


Love and War

by motteme



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:46:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 36,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25808329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motteme/pseuds/motteme
Summary: After one classmate didn't show up at the reunion party of their High School class, rich kid Jiyong loses a bet and has to ask him out or he will lose his beloved black Lamborghini. They all know that the fat kid and loser Choi Seunghyun used to have a crush on Jiyong anyways, so it would be hilarious, right?Seunghyun on the other hand has finally grown up and is not taking anyone's shit — especially not from someone as full of themselves and stuck up as Kwon Jiyong.
Relationships: Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon
Comments: 52
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AN:// I started to post this story about a year or so ago, but I desperately needed a break so I took it offline, but I really like this idea/plot and I want to explore it more again and will continue writing this story again! Also, I have changed a few minor details, so re-reading the previously already published chapters would be adviced!

**one**

“You think he will show up?”

Jiyong scoffed into his half empty scotch glass. “Please, as if he would. Why should he show up here anyways? You do remember that he was the joke of our class, right?” He downed the last bit of his drink, signaling the bartender to fill up his glass once again. 

It was getting late already, but none of his classmates, nor even some of his old teachers, made any indicates about going home anytime soon — it was their second class reunion and as much as everyone always bitched about how much they hated high school, they all always came to these events; expect one person that is. 

You see, back in high school there were these typical dynamics. The popular kids, the loser, nerds, athletes, and the goth kids — Jiyong obviously had been one of the popular kids, given the fact that his father more or less owned half of the biggest tech companies in the country and that his mother was the most iconic fashion magazine owner, writer, and everything else, of the century. He basically had been born with a silver spoon in his mouth, wore high end fashion brands since the cradle, and made sure to let everyone know just how powerful his father was — even during times of serious teenage rebellion. 

Though his parents always had tried to support him, they had been rarely around. His father always away on business trips, and his mother off to the latest fashion show, leaving him behind with a butler that more often than not had made sure that he would not sneak out at night, and would actually make him do his homework, and a maid that was just as strict, but made the best pastry on this planet. It had been a hard time for Jiyong, even though he hadn’t admitted it back then and certainly would not admit it now, but he had somehow managed by making others feel terrible about their mediocre lives and one that had always been on the receiving end of his moods had been none other than Choi Seunghyun. 

Jiyong didn’t know much about him, nor did he had want to learn about him — all he knew was that the kid was fat, and that his father was never at the school events where they invited both of their parents and that alone was enough reason for Jiyong to pick him. Teenagers choose the most ridiculous reasons to tease and humiliate others just to have some fun — and it had been fun. He was almost sad that those times were over now. 

He still lived more or less the same, the only difference was that he was getting paid a shit ton of money for modelling for his mother’s magazine and every fashion brand that was good enough in his opinion (—and unsurprisingly they all nearly peed themselves in excitement whenever he said ‘yes’ to a shooting, or to walking on their runways, or shooting a commercial). But as much as he loved being looked at and being praised for his looks and skills, his life was boring. His parents still worked all the time — he only saw his father every now and then. The only reason why he saw his mother more often was, because they got booked together for the same event most of the time and seated together — other than that their relationship was just as frosty. 

The only one Jiyong was close to was his sister — they even lived together, which was saving him a lot of headaches most of the time, because his sister was probably the only person on this planet that could handle his mood swings and his temper with ease and who was allowed to scold him whenever he overstepped boundaries or leashed out too much. He was known to party, to fuck, and to do everything in between by now and he knew that he often overdid it, but wouldn’t listen to his own body, and would only take a break when Dami stepped in. 

He always thought about her being the successful one of them — similar to their father, she was good with numbers and all that stuff that sent Jiyong to sleep and she was working so hard on making their father proud so she could take over his position one day and Jiyong just knew that she would totally nail it. 

He wasn’t so sure about himself in that way. 

His mother was busy with everything but putting up with the scandals her son caused and especially not with forming him into the new CEO of her magazine, no. She much rather concentrated on the affair she was having, or her protegee who she was shaping into this tough, scary woman, to take over her position when she would decide to retire someday. Besides, Jiyong was content with his life as it is — and that meant looking pretty, walking for runways, fucking beautiful people and having fun with a few chemical substances from time to time. 

Didn’t mean he didn’t need entertainment though, which was part of the reason why he came here tonight. The last time his old class had come together like this he had been balls deep in some french model at the other side of the planet and didn’t even think of attending, but then his best friend and previous classmate Chaerin ripped him a new one, saying that it was so much fun to spent time with the old gang again and that he really needed to come again the next time they decided to meet up, which happened today — a year after the french model.

Last year only three people did not make it — one was Jiyong for already stated reasons, the other one was Dongwook, because his wife was in labour and there was no way he would miss the moment his child was born and Choi Seunghyun. 

Jiyong had inwardly cooed at the thought of Dongwook being totally stressed over his wife giving birth — as much as he was a bitch who loved to party and cause trouble, he absolutely and definitely loved kids and Dongwook would definitely make an amazing father. No one talked about why Choi Seunghyun didn’t show up, or maybe Jiyong just didn’t care enough to really think about it or was too drunk — the reason was obvious. No one had really liked him that much (in Jiyong’s opinion) and they had fun without him anyways so he really did not understand why they brought it up now. 

Chaerin shot him a look he couldn’t read, but he simply shrugged it off. Whatever. 

“Hey, why don’t we call him?” Jiyong could only roll his eyes at that — Seungho had always had the shittiest ideas of them all and he really did wonder why he even was friends with him after all these years of knowing him now. 

“—and why the hell would we do that?” 

“Well, he was part of our class — besides, wouldn’t it be fun to mess a bit with him? You know how much he had crushed on you when we were back in high school. He would always make puppy eyes at you whenever you walked into the class, no matter how shitty you were to him. I mean, you were such a bitch back then, downright bratty and rude and he still—”

“—hey, I wasn’t that bad.”

“—oh, you were .” Jiyong sniffed irritated at that. Whatever — he knew he hadn’t been that bad. He had known that the older boy had had a crush on him though, that was correct. 

“So why should I call him now?” 

“For good old times? Don’t tell me you don’t want to mess with that fat loser a little bit more.” This time it was Soohyuk who was speaking up and half ot the table started to cackle — he had already downed half of the bar and was as sober as a bird and Jiyong really should not be listening to what that idiot was saying, but he was drunk too, and not thinking about anything rationally anymore, and having a little bit of fun like that wouldn’t hurt anyone. 

Jiyong took a sip of his refilled glass. “Alright, who has the number of the loser?” 

“Does anyone even have his number?”

“Does he even have a phone ?” More laughter and Jiyong joined in. Probably not. Choi never had been the most social person anyways, there was no way he would have a big social circle now — he probably works in a bookshop and has no social life and the only action he ever got was his right hand. Jiyong chuckled at that. Yeah, that probably was Choi’s life now. 

They all laughed some more — the only one who weren’t laughing were Chaerin and Bom, instead, they had gotten quiet and exchanged looks. 

Jiyong set his drink down. “Hey you two, why suddenly the gloomy mood? Not up to some fun?” 

Bom rolled her eyes. “Fun, yes — bullying someone once more after he is finally well? No. Don’t you think it is childish and downright mean?” 

Jiyong just shrugged, wanting to say something, but then Bom snapped at him again. “Whatever, I am leaving. You guys can be dicks on your own, I will not be part of this or look at you guys acting like moronic teenagers again.” She got up from her seat, closely followed by Chaerin, who looked equally pissed off. 

The two woman quickly left the place and the table was quiet for a moment or two and Jiyong looked down on his glass. Was it really mean? Not really, he just wanted to mess a little bit with that guy, besides, if he managed to ask Choi out the guy would at least have an unforgettable evening in an expensive restaurant with arm candy like him and Jiyong could see nothing bad about that. 

“Women, always so sentimental.” Soohyuk scoffed next to him as he pulled out his phone — Seungho was walking up to their table with another round of drinks and a huge smile on his lips and the mood was back on. 

Jiyong reached for a new glass and they knocked back their shots. 

Tonight was gonna be a long night. 

* * *

Jiyong didn’t really think about the incident with Choi or the bet when he woke up the next day, nor could he properly remember it — he was too busy nursing his hangover and trying not to claw his eyes out with his nails or crack his skull open with his own bare hands. Alcohol really was the medicine of the devil and he regretted it every time he woke up the next day with a splitting headache, a tongue feeling like a soggy bath rug and a stomach that felt like was filled with acid. He really should stop drinking that much, his health would certainly benefit from it — but not just yet. 

He rolled out of bed and drunkenly made his way into the kitchen to feed his cat, Iye, before that sucker demolished anything that even remotely looked edible. It took him longer than anticipated, because he could still feel the rest of the alcohol in his system and walking a straight line was proving to be more difficult than anticipated. He somehow managed and twenty minutes later he found himself sitting on his couch — a huge glass filled with water and lemon juice in one hand and another equally big mug of coffee in the other. The only way to feel human again was to down both and pray that everything would stay down.

Jiyong set down his coffee for the moment, solely concentrating on the water when he suddenly heard his phone go off somewhere close to him. He slowly turned his head to the side and located the damn thing on the small table next to the other side of the couch — he took a few gulps of the lemon water and set the glass down. 

The phone had already stopped ringing and chiming up when he finally had it in his hand and Jiyong was happy about it — he really did not want to talk to anyone this early on a saturday anyways, especially not when for once he had a couple of days off with no shootings planned, no events marked in his calendar and no fashion shows being scheduled for the next two or three weeks. 

He unlocked the damn thing and was greeted with way too many notifications — apparently he had posted something on Instagram last night; turned out it was a more or less propiat drunken picture taken of him sitting at the bar with a wine glass in hand, while he smirked at the camera, with the caption 'In Vino Veritas' and Jiyong had to cringe at that. Fucking Seungho, ever since he started to watch Supernatural he had started to dig out his Latin books from high school again and practiced. What for? No idea, but Jiyong was pretty sure that it was because he was secretly a very paranoid person and wanted to make sure he knew Latin, in case demons or whatever started to become real. Jiyong could only shake his head at that. 

He looked through the comments for a moment or two — chuckling as he saw the usual: men and women commenting about how pretty he is, if he wants to marry them, some saying he should fuck off and die, and then some others that very explicitly wrote what they wanted to do to him. He snorted and closed Instagram. 

He opened Telegram next and started to look through some of the messages Chaerin and the others had sent to him — he vaguely remembered that Chaerin and Bom left early, but he didn't know why anymore. Probably wasn't important anyways. 

Bom had sent him something along the lines of '—if you really do this, you're dead to me.' while Seungho had sent him a video of what Jiyong assumed was from last night. Without thinking twice about it he clicked it. 

In the video, he was beyond plastered. His eyeliner smudged, eyes glassy and cheeks flushed red from the alcohol. He also had his 'I'm too fucking drunk to know what's going on but I'm here for the party' trademark smile on his lips and he just knew this was about to get interesting. 

'—alright Jiyong, here is the deal.' He could clearly hear Seungho speaking from behind the camera that was directed at his face. There was distinct chattering and laughter in the back, but they all hushed each other, before Seungho started to speak again. 'You will call Seunghyun and ask him for a date, if you can't convince him to go out with you within a week, your black Lamborghini is mine.' The crowd around them cheered and laughed and Jiyong just grinned and shook his head. 

'—and if you do end up being able to convince this poor bastard to go on a date with such a prick and huge bitch as you are—' more howling and laughter '—then you'll get to be the face of my new collection, which is a collaboration with Chanel and we all know how much of a hoe you are for that label!' 

Everyone was cheering again and Jiyong groaned loudly, while the Jiyong in the video just smiled bigger and nodded his head, agreeing rather enthusiastically as he shook hands with Seungho and shouted 'deal!' . 

Why did it had to be the black Lamborghini? Why not the damn Jaguar or some of the other five cars he owned, but never really used? 

Because Seungho knows you and knows what hurts you the most, you idiot moron. 

He really needed to cut back on the drinking. 

The video ended and closed and Jiyong quickly scanned through the text Seungho had sent afterwards: 

_ Jiyongie!  _

_ Since you were completely plastered last night, you probably won't remember what happened so I made sure that you would remember this and not talk your way out of this deal! You have exactly one week, starting on Saturday at 8am, to ask Choi Seunghyun out on a date, having him agree to said date, and going out with him! You have to sent a picture of the two of you at a restaurant of your choice, or where else he would like to take you!  _

_ Good luck and I hope you lose!  _

_ Here is his number:  _

_ 11-XXX-XXX-87 _

Jiyong groaned louder. 

He was going to kill Seungho and everyone involved. 

For the rest of the day Jiyong tried to recover from the hangover that just wouldn't leave him alone, while feeling totally sorry for himself and his own stupidity. He would be okay with giving Seungho anything, but the Lamborghini — even a fucking blowjob if that meant he'd get to keep his beloved car, even though Seungho was really the absolute last human being who's cock he'd want to get shoved down his throat. 

Whatever, would he have to suck that Choi guy's dick instead and make him feel lucky for two minutes, because there was no way he was gonna lose that stupid bet to Seungho, nor was he gonna give up his car just like that. 

He sighed heavily and plumped down on the sofa once more. His head still felt like someone had knocked him out with a baseball bat, but it was more on the bearable side now — the painkillers finally managed to kick in. 

Iye curled up right next to him, cuddling up against his side and purred at the warmth radiating off Jiyong's body and the hand combing through his fur. 

He'd just have to get this over and done with and by the end of this hellish week he'd be a free man again — Jiyong quickly dialed the number Seungho had sent to him. God knows where he found Choi's number, but whatever. He just wanted to get this inconvenient out of the way so he could go back to his normal, very fabulous and extravagant life. 

The phone rang, and rang — and rang, but no one picked up,making Jiyong scoff. Who the hell did that Choi guy think he was to not pick up when the Kwon Jiyong was calling? He was about to end the call when someone finally picked up with a very chipper and sweet voice. 

'Hello, this is Kim Jisoo — I'm Seunghyun's assistant. He's in the OR right now, do you want to leave him a message?’

Jiyong sat up straight — in the OR? The Choi loser actually managed to become a doctor?

‘Uhm, sure — could you tell him that Kwon Jiyong called and that he should please call me back, it’s urgent.’ 

The girl on the other side was silent for a moment, the only thing Jiyong could hear was papers being moved around and what sounded like distant chattering. ‘Alright, I will let him know you called! He will probably be in the OR for another hour or so though, poor Albert has had operations before, because the tumors keep coming back, but his owner just doesn’t want to let go of him and Seunghyun is trying really hard to get them all out this time around — the last time Albert was too weak and—’

Jiyong squinted his eyes — what the hell was that girl talking about? Owner? Was this a trick his friends were playing on him instead of Seunghyun? He had to interrupt this Jisoo girl before she would continue her monologue about all the conditions this Albert guy apparently had and how much his owner seemed to love him.

‘Wait, what do you mean owner? What kind of hospital are you that one of your patients has an owner? Is this some weird BDSM thing — are you pranking me?’

The girl was silent for a moment, before she burst out in giggles. ‘Sir, Dr.Choi is a veterinarian, are you not aware of that?’ she was still laughing, as someone else started to speak in the background. ‘—okay, Sir? I will let Seunghyun know that you called, I have to get back to work now! Have a nice day! ’ — and with that, the call ended and the only thing Jiyong heard was the beeping sound of the dead line and Iye purring at his side. 

He slowly put the phone down, starring disbelievingly at the screen for a moment to sort his thoughts. Choi had become a veterinarian, and worked in a clinic and apparently even had a very bubbly and chipper assistant. 

What the hell. 

He scoffed and tossed the phone aside — this was already starting off with a good start, he didn't even want to know what else universe had in store for him. Or they really had given him the wrong number just to mess with him? Jiyong quickly took his phone back in his hand, copied the number and googled it. — Only to find out that it was a private number and that he couldn’t just google who the owner was; god damnit. Why did that Choi guy have a secret number? Did he have a horde of fangirls that were digging his fat ass? Maybe a crazy ex boyfriend or something that he needed protection from? 

Nah, that couldn't be it. There was no way literally anyone would ever crush on such a loser as him, veterinary or not. Choi was this painfully awkward and shy kid that tried to cover up his total lack of fashion and basically everything you needed to be popular with terrible and very questionable humor — as well as too much knowledge about weird art or whatever. Jiyong couldn’t really remember anymore nor did he care that much. 

Fine, he would have to wait for Choi to call him back to see if it really was his number or not, and if it was not his number and this all was just a terrible joke his friends were playing on him he would skin them alive and kick their asses so hard they would be able to taste the sole of his balenciagas. 

Jiyong tossed his phone aside again; he really needed to take a shower. 

* * *

A few days had passed and it was Wednesday already and that Choi asshole still hadn’t called him back — what the hell? The Kwon Jiyong was calling, and he was sure Seunghyun still remembered who he was, and he didn’t call back? If that asshole would not call back soon he would lose his beloved Lambo this Saturday and he just wouldn’t give Seungho nor Soohyuk the sweet satisfaction of Choi Seunghyun ghosting him. Never. 

He would romance that Choi bastard so hard if he had to. 

Jiyong had just come back from another string of photoshootings — his muscles ached and his shoulders and back were tensed. The only way he would be able to relax a little was to take a hot bath, jack off and then fall into bed with a glass of red in one hand and Iye curled up to his side. But then he finally was in bed with a glass of red and Iye and he still couldn't relax. It rubbed him the wrong way that Choi hadn’t called him back — that had never happened before. Everyone who he even spared a look at had almost peed themselves in excitement and had called him first — never the other way around and this was irritating to say the least. He huffed loudly, pulling out his phone from the discarded pants on the floor and scrolled through his contacts again, until he found Seunghyun.

He called again. 

Not that he didn’t know already that Seunghyun wouldn’t pick up, but he had to at least try to make an effort not to lose his beloved car and even if he had to show up at the damn clinic himself — maybe that was how he should approach this? Direct confrontation. Meet him from face to face and make sure that he would not be able to ignore him. 

He took another gulp of his drink, the line beeping again and again. 

Maybe he should rope some of his friends in to make Seunghyun agree to go on a date with him? Maybe that would work? To pressure him into going to a date with him when so many people wanted to have him there?

_ ‘Hello, Choi Seunghyun speaking?’  _

He spit out the full mouth of red and nearly choked while doing so as he was greeted by a deep voice at the other end of the line. Shit, he had not expected that. He coughed a few times, brushing away the tears from his eyes as he tried to compose himself. His voice was rough and a bit hoarse from getting the wine down the wrong pipe when he finally answered. ‘Sorry, I am speaking to Choi Seunghyun, right?’

_ ‘That is correct yes.’  _

For some reason, Jiyong was really nervous all of a sudden. He had tried to contact this man for ages now and he finally thought that picking up was a good time now? Was he that busy as a veterinarian? Jiyong highly doubted it. 

‘I am not sure if you are aware, but I tried calling you a few times and talked to your assistant, too and—’

_ ‘I am well aware of that.’ _

‘—oh?’ What the hell. This was definitely not how Jiyong imagined this to go. ‘Then, why did you not call me back? I said it was urgent, did she not tell you?’ He tried to hold back the sharpness of his voice as best as he could, but he knew he was failing miserably. 

_ ‘Oh, yeah she said that, but I did not feel like calling you back, Mr.Kwon.’  _

‘Excuse me?’ 

The other man had the nerve to snort at that.  _ ‘You heard me, Jiyong.’ _

Now Jiyong really did not know what to say. This fat loser was supposed to fall onto his hands and knees and kiss his shoes and the ground he walked on, not make him beg for that date. The audacity — Jiyong felt rage bubbling up inside of him, he wanted to scream at that asshole. How rude could someone be? He took a moment to collect himself, swallowed his pride and smiled. 

‘Ah, I am sorry to bother you then — but I do have to ask, why did you not want to call me back? I wanted to ask you if you wanted to meet me, you know, on a date. I have done a lot of thinking the past few weeks before the high school reunion, you know, and I came to the conclusion that I fucked up big time back then.’ Just like that, he started to talk. Said all those cliché things about feeling sorry for what had happened during high school, how much he now hated himself for being so mean to Seunghyun — everything. He had to bite his tongue every now and then not to say something rude, or to laugh, because honestly? This was ridiculous. Seunghyun had deserved to be treated like that back then and he would only play nice to him for as long as necessary so he would not lose his Lambo.

_ ‘—and why should I believe anything you are telling me right now? For all I know this could be some cruel joke you are trying to play on me after all. Who says this is not a prank?’ _

God damnit. Choi seemingly had more brain cells than Jiyong had anticipated, he really had to work for this bullshit now, hadn’t he? ‘Well —’ he stopped for a moment, trying to come up with a good excuse, but then sighed, playing the defeated victim. ‘Alright, you know what? You are right — you have no obligations whatsoever to say yes to meeting me. I just really wanted to apologize in person and maybe spent a nice evening together after all this time. I really feel bad about what happened and maybe wanted to make up for some of the problems I have caused you or at least talk it all out.’ 

Jiyong gave himself a pat on a shoulder for that. If Seunghyun would not bite now, he honest to god had no idea how to convince the other man. The line was completely silent for a moment or two, and Jiyong held his breath. This asshole really was playing with him and he really, really hated that. He would have to get revenge for this — maybe he would shave off Soohyuk’s eyebrows when he was asleep and put permanent pink color on Seungho’s face.

_ ‘Alright, I will bite. But only if I get to pick the location where we meet and the time and date. deal?’  _

‘Uh, okay. But I think—’ 

_ ‘Take it, or I will hang up.’ _

‘Okay, okay — deal!’

_ ‘Perfect, I will send you the details later.’  _ And with that, Choi hang up on him. Once more Jiyong could only stare at his phone for a moment or two, his heart still beating rapidly in his chest. Had this really just happened? 

He clicked his tongue and tossed the phone aside. He really needed another glass of wine — the audacity of that man was unspeakable. How dare he treat him like that and dictate when and where they would meet up? Who was he? The fucking prime minister? Certainly not and Jiyong snorted bitterly as he filled his wine glass to the brim and thought of the perfect revenge for Soohyuk and Seungho. Those two idiots didn’t deserve anything better but pain and destruction and he certainly would deliver it. No one made a fool out of Kwon Jiyong, without having to pay for it and if that Choi guy continued to be such a prick he would find a way to make him pay for everything as well. 

Another gulp of red and he stormed back into his room, slamming the door shut. Dami was not at home, but he really wanted to be left alone right now anyways so that was good. He didn’t even feel like calling one of his booty calls to take some of the tension out of him, nor did he feel like buying something expensive just because he could. He was too busy with falling victim to his own temper tantrum that he barely heard his phone vibrating once more. 

He rolled his eyes as he unlocked his phone to take a look at the message he had received. 

_ Choi Clown: _

_ Saturday, 7pm @ Divine Gala  _

_ Don't be late, and dress smart  _

_ — and please none of the fur _

_ and leather stuff you sometimes  _

_ wear that's just tasteless, thanks  _

Jiyong felt his pulse pick up. This guy had nerves, telling him how to dress. How dare he? He took another moment to breath. This guy seriously was testing him. 

_ Jiyong: _

_ Sounds good to me! See you there!  _

Iye walked up his chest, pawing at his face, but Jiyong couldn't help to read the message again and again, completely ignoring his feline companion. — Whatever. He had the date with this Choi moron, which meant he would not lose his beloved car. He made a screenshot and sent it to Seungho and Soohyuk. 

_ Jiyong: _

_ There. I have a date with this asshole.  _

_ Happy now?  _

He didn't even wait for their replies, because he could already imagine what they were gonna say.  _ 'He made you wait until today to let you know?? The guys has balls LMAO' _ and  _ 'Wow, he is telling YOU how to dress?? I'm impressed, this guy is amazing. You sure are pathetic, Kwon. Letting him talk down on you like this HAHA!'.  _

No thanks. 

He gulped down the rest of his wine, maybe calling someone to come over to take his mind of was a good idea after all. 

He closed the chat with Choi and scrolled through his contacts again. Sex always helped to take his mind off, so why not indulge a little bit in bodily activities for the night? He smiled when he immediately got called back by some Japanese model he had met at fashion week a few months ago. He knew she was in town, and maybe she could also bring her male best friend — they were basically attached at the hip anyways and he really wanted to get the attention he deserved tonight. 

Sex it was. 

* * *

When Saturday arrived Seungho and Soohyuk had both made sure to piss him off as much as possible by teasing him relentlessly — even more so when they both insisted on coming over while he was getting ready. They said something about wanting to make sure he was dressed accordingly and that he would not be late . Fuckers. He knew that that was a big fat lie and they just wanted to gloat a bit more. He seriously regretted saying yes to this deal, because it was a win for them anyways. Either, a free Lamborghini, or Jiyong modeling for Seungho, which was probably the best possible promotion for him, because there was no better model than Jiyong after all. 

It was 6.40pm when he got picked up by one of his drivers — Seungho had bullied him into wearing a God damn smoking . The last time he had worn one was during the last time Dami had bribed him into going to one of their father's annually and super boring end of the year company parties — and that had been years ago. 

The tuxedo was in a dark teal, almost black, but the colors shined through whenever light hit the fabric. His black hair was slicked back and he wore the shoes Soohyuk had forced him into wearing. He was too annoyed to even check the label, can you imagine that? Him? Kwon Jiyong wearing a brand he wasn't aware of? Fuck no, today was a shitty day and he just wanted this date to be over, maybe get slightly drunk, and then go home and go straight to bed. Besides, this date would probably be as boring as it could be — who even went to dates in a gala? 

But Jiyong quickly ate his own words as they rolled up to the main entrance of the gala, red carpet already rolled out with a dozen or more journalists and paparazzi taking pictures. Was there an event tonight? Was this where Choi was taking him? He was too perplexed to realize what was going on when he stepped out of the car that he needed a moment to realize that paparazzi were taking pictures of him — his model instincts kicked in immediately and he smiled sweetly at the cameras. Walking slowly and throwing a few glances at the camera, before he finally stepped into the hall of the gala — big doors falling shut behind him. His coat was taken from him by one of the staff members and instead someone handed him a glass of champagne and Jiyong immediately felt at ease. He took a sip and smiled — at least the booze here was decent and he could feel eyes on him from basically everyone in the room so that was good, too. Even if this date with Choi turned out to be a nightmare at least he had good alcohol and the attention of the whole room. 

He walked through the crowd of people, trying to figure out where Choi was and when it would be the perfect amount of time to get completely plastered. So far no sign of Choi and that frustrated Jiyong — he came to an halt at the bar and looked at the watch on his wrist. He was right on time and Choi was not, had he stood him up? No way — he wouldn't dare. Then again, Choi had caused more than just one headache for Jiyong ever since this whole mess had started so maybe he wouldn’t put it past the other men to pull a stunt like that and that pissed Jiyong off immediately. 

He shook his head — whatever, he would stick around for a while and if Choi wouldn't show up he'd see if there where any interesting people here tonight he could have some fun with, or would simply ditch this whole thing and kick Seungho's and Soohyuk's ass. Jiyong took another dip from the glass, his gaze wandering through the room when his eyes stopped in one place — or to be more specific, one person. 

_ Well, hello there handsome.  _

A man had entered the room not too long ago and what a man it was. He had broad shoulders, long, nice legs and a chiseled jawline. His hair was neatly coiffed and his smile was dimpled and damn Jiyong just had to have that guy in his bed for at least a night, because he was pretty damn sure that he had never seen aan this attractive before, and he worked in the modeling industry. 

He tried to play it cool but his eyes always darted back to the devilishly handsome man — it was almost ridiculous how badly Jiyong wanted his attention. This man looked like an ancient God and he'd be insane to let him go — even when he could only see the back of his head, damn . 

Jiyong got pulled out of his thoughts when his phone suddenly went off — he had received a message. With clever fingers he fished out the piece of plastic and groaned when he opened Telegram. A new message from the Choi asshole. 

_ Choi Clown: _

_ Hey, are you here yet? Or are you running late?  _

Jiyong rolled his eyes. What an asshole. 

_ Jiyong: _

_ Hi Seunghyun! Yes I'm already here, I'm actually standing at the bar waiting for you. Did you arrive already as well?  _

_ Choi Clown: _

_ Ah, I see you. I'll be with you in an moment.  _

Jiyong put his phone aside and looked up again. Choi could already see him? But that didn't make sense. If he could see him that meant he was close bye and there was no one around that could possibly come close to what Seunghyun's body mass was and no one was looking at him. Well, except for one person.

Mr. Sex on legs had finally taken notice of Jiyong and was now walking towards him with a cheeky smile on his lips and squared shoulders and Jiyong felt how his heartbeat was picking up. The closer the man came the faster Jiyong realized that he was at least half head if not more taller than he was himself and shit, that was a turn on. Shit — that smile was a killer, those dimples, his eyes deep and dark and—

“Hello, Jiyong. It’s good to see you again.”

Wait, what?

The other man just smirked at him and extended his hand. “Choi Seunghyun, it’s been a while hasn’t it? Didn’t think you would recognize me and I was right.”

Jiyong just gaped, his brain stopped working and all he could do was stare into the other man’s eyes as his last two brain cells slowly put together what just had happened. This ridiculously hot and attractive man was Choi Seunghyun. The Choi Seunghyun who was a loser, a fattie, someone who he had made fun of in middle school and high school and someone who had had a huge crush on him. Someone that now resembled the beauty of a Greek god and was smirking at him, because he knew what Jiyong was thinking and that he was probably undressing him in his mind with his eyes and teeth and everything he had. 

Fuck him. 

“It’s good to see you again, too. You have been well, I see?” He hated how fragile his own voice sounded and the smirk Seunghyun sent his way made him a little brain dead and oh god, look at those long eyelashes and cute nose and lips. Jiyong felt like fainting. Life was so not fair to him sometimes. 

“Want another drink?”

Jiyong just nodded. He knocked back the last remains of his drink, before he turned back to the bar, where Seunghyun was already ordering for them. Even his fucking voice was sin and he really needed to calm himself down a little bit or things would get embarrassing really fast. Jiyong nearly let out a whine as Seungyun turned back at him and placed his drink in front of him with another dazzling smile.

This was going to be a very long and interesting night for sure. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the delay, but writing hasn't been coming as easy to me as it used to and I originally wanted to post another story for Jiyong's Birthday as well as the BigBang Anniversary, but I just didn't make it on time and I am nowhere near done with it, too. 
> 
> Still, thought I could at least update this one!!

**two**

“Motherfucking piece of shit — how dare this piece of trash use me like that, I can‘t stand this asshole. Who does he think he is?“

To say that Kwon Jiyong was pissed off was the underestimation of the fucking century. He had done everything for tonight — styled his hair, done his makeup perfectly, even let Seungho and Soohyuk dress him up like a goddamn ragdoll so everything would be perfect so this fat loser would finally have a date worth telling his great-grandchildren about, but no. Fate was cruel to Kwon Jiyong and everything turned out the exact opposite of his expectations. Something he had expected was a quiet nice evening, some small talk, alcohol and dinner and that was it, and while that had happened, so much more than that had taken place as well and it made Jiyong‘s skin crawl to think about saying yes to this stupid bet, to say yes to going on a date with Choi Seunghyun, and that he actually fell for this bullshit.

It had all started when Choi Seunghyun had turned out to have grown out of his baby fat and was now this Greek god type of model crossover that made him aching by just looking at him — and that alone was something out of the ordinary. Jiyong was used to pretty people, to handsome men, and to gorgeous women, which was probably why he rarely really noticed people — but this guy? Fucking unbelievable. He looked amazing with his high cheekbones, chiseled jawline, legs for days and this whole aura that just screamed sexappeal. Turned out that Choi was also the biggest gentleman he had ever encountered in his life and Jiyong spent the first twenty-eight minutes of their date with mentally kicking himself for being such an idiot during middle and high school for treating him that bad, but then again Choi had been kinda weird back then. Plus it was always fun to rile people who had a crush on you up a little bit — to stroke your own ego and all that. But now he felt like it was the other way around and it made his skin crawl to think back of what had happened earlier that night:

* * *

Seunghyun looked at him and Jiyong felt like he was going to melt into a puddle of sexual frustration while actively swooning at the other man — who was wearing a Calvin Klein suit and looked like he just stepped out of a photoshooting. It was borderlining to ludicrousness how good he looked and that literally no one else was able to hold his attention, but this man. This ridiculous man that smiled at him when he bought him another drink and when he pulled them towards a table for two.

The room was filled with people and there were several tables for two, three or four people — but Jiyong was too busy staring at Choi‘s ass as he followed him to really notice anything that was going on. The only thing that he did pick up was that the theme of this Gala seemingly had to do with animals, but then again Choi‘s ass was of greater importance. 

They sat down and Choi even had the manners to pull Jiyong‘s chair back for him, and pushed it back when he was sitting down — seriously, what was this? Did he crack his head and woke up in an alternative universe where he suddenly met Prince Charming? Certainly not, but this was getting close to the real thing. “So, Jiyong — tell me, how come you suddenly wanted to see me again? Did you find my Instagram account or something?“ — Seunghyun was grinning at him again as he raised his wine glass to his lips and Jiyong just wanted to bite those stupid lips. 

“Actually, it was during our reunion party last week — everyone was there. Seungho, Soohyuk, Chaerin, Bom, even Youngbae. We all had a good time and we talked a lot and had fun, had some drinks, but you weren‘t there. It made me think back and honestly we all kinda missed you there.“

Seunghyun snorted. How he still was attractive while doing that, Jiyong had no idea. “Oh, yeah I heard of the reunion party, but let’s be honest. I didn’t really fit into the crowd of you guys back then and I felt like it was a waste of time to go to a party where everyone had made fun on me at one point — especially you.“ 

Jiyong gulped. Choi had a point and he couldn‘t really say anything against that. He still tried to make the best of this situation. “Well,“ he twirled his own wine glass between his fingers “I have to say it does have his perks that you did not come.“

Seunghyun questioningly raised an eyebrow at him and this time Jiyong smirked.

“I got to go on a marvelous date, just with you and none of the other‘s from our class. I get to have you all for myself tonight.“ 

“You mean, besides the other two hundred people in the room, right?“ 

Jiyong chuckled. “Yeah, right.“ His eyes finally wandered through the room and he took notice of some of the banners that were decorating the walls. International Humane Society — A heart and shelter for Animals was written on most of them and Jiyong felt a small smile tug at his lips. So it was a benefit Gala. How fitting, Seunghyun was a veterinarian after all and while this definitely was not where he had imagined a single date in his life to ever take place at, he was glad that he had come. 

“So how come you picked tonight to meet? How did you even find this Gala?“

“I‘m the one who organized it.“

Jiyong nearly spit out his drink — he did what now? Seunghyun had noticed Jiyong‘s reaction right away and laughed. “Yeah, can you imagine? The fatty from high school is now a vet and fights for animal rights. Hosting Galas and inviting celebrities and all that, who would have thought?“

He opened his mouth to say something, but could only gap. Jiyong knew shit about how to host Gala‘s and how to organize stuff like that — he had people who did that for him anyways, but he knew that it must have been a lot of work. His father always talked about how much he had to work on this Gala to get sponsors and celebrities on the guest list and all that jazz, and looking around the room Jiyong could see that Choi had done well. While none of them were as top tier as he was, they certainly were important people. A different category of important than him, more political than fashionable, but important nevertheless. He worried at his lip. 

“I think I really owe you an apologize for that, don‘t I?“

“You think?“ — Seunghyun was still smiling at him, but Jiyong could clearly see the bitter edge in his features and that made it much worse. He suddenly really did feel bad about treating him like that — he hadn‘t even known him back then and still had made fun of him and now he was someone who could pull events like this off. 

He opened his mouth again to answer, but someone approached their table — it was a young woman and when she started to speak Jiyong recognized her voice. It was the same girl that had picked up Seunghyun‘s phone when he first called. They talked for a moment, something about a speech and then the girl was gone again and Choi took a sip from his glass, before directing his attention back at Jiyong. “If you excuse me for a moment, I will have to make the first speech of the evening now — I should be back in about twenty minutes. I hope you don‘t mind waiting a bit.“ 

Jiyong could only nod dumbly. Of course Choi would have to give a speech — he was the one who had made his Gala happen so a speech it was. Tho Jiyong wasn’t sure if he really wanted to see the other man standing on a stage in front of hundreds of people. He had already failed back in high school to give a presentation in front of twenty people, how the hell should he manage ten times more than that? He took a big gulp of his wine glass, affectively emptying it and waved over one of the waiters to get him another. He would need a lot of alcohol to survive the second hand embarrassment that was about to follow. 

The lights went off and the room got quiet for a moment, before the applause started and Choi stepped on stage and Jiyong had to look twice, because the man that had just stepped on stage oozed charisma and confidence and had nothing to do with the man— the kid he had known in high school. He smiled a lot, gestured with his hands and got serious when his speech asked for it. His shoulders were drawn back and he his posture was straight, but not too stiff. If Jiyong wouldn’t have known better he would have guessed that Choi had always been this good on stage — hell, given the level of comfort he was in he would have thought that Choi was some sort of celebrity himself, not just a normal vet. 

Jiyong could see camera flashes going off out of the corner of his eyes, but once again he was too busy to stare at Choi. Who was he and what the hell had he done with the old, boring, loser Seunghyun? 

The speech ended, talking about new opportunities to raise awareness of the terrible state most shelters were in, how they could all help these poor creatures and what else there was that they could do and people applauded. Some even cheered and if Jiyong would have heard this speech from anyone else he would have just rolled his eyes, but the way Seunghyun had spoken, how earnest he had sounded and how much love he was giving was refreshing and made Jiyong actually think about maybe donating something as well — might be good publicity for him too, but then again Chanel would probably kick his ass. He was an ambassador and that meant he supported whatever the house did and that also meant supporting fur coats and the such. Whatever. He could think about that later. 

Seunghyun left the stage with a bright smile on his lips — five minutes later he came back to Jiyong‘s table, the tips of his ears a little bit red and Jiyong just wanted to grab them and kiss the faintest blush on his cheeks. 

“I have to say, I am deeply impressed.“ 

Seunghyun laughed. “Yeah, this is definitely an improvement of how bad I presented in High School. That was just terrible, but I am glad that you liked it. Means I really did get better at this whole presentation thing.“ 

“You certainly did improve in a lot of things.“ Jiyong smiled into his wine glass as he winked at Seunghyun and saw how flustered the other man was for the split of a second before a bashful smile appeared on his lips again. “Well, thank you. I see you haven’t done too bad for yourself.“ 

Now it was Jiyong who nearly choked on his drink. What was it about this man that made him blush and flush at everything he said, even if it was totally cringe worthy? He couldn’t stop smiling at that — especially not when Seunghyun looked at him with that intense stare of his that made Jiyong all weak in the legs and the evening had only just begun. 

The wine was flowing — especially on Jiyong’s part, he had to kill the nervous buzz in his stomach after all, tho the added alcohol only made it so much worse — especially on Jiyong’s part. It didn’t really help — instead, it made him all giggly and he blushed a lot and he could feel his cheeks getting warm and his head felt light and he could swore that there were butterflies starting to form in his stomach. But he was not sure if it was the wine, or if it was Seunghyun who was making him feel like this and he was pretty sure that it was the latter, not the wine and that should have unsettled him, because Kwon Jiyong did not develop crushes. 

But the way Seunghyun made him laugh was coming dangerously close to something just like that — his brain was too fogged with wine to fully comprehend that though. Instead all he could concentrate on was the amazing food, the delicious food that was being served and the absolute gorgeous man sitting in front of him. There were more speeches, more talking, but Seunghyun was not the one who had to go up to the stage and talk — they were too engrossed into the conversation they were having anyways. The only thing that Jiyong partly noticed was how camera flashes went off every now — but then Choi would make a joke and his attention snapped back to the other man. He was used to being surrounded by cameras anyways so that wasn’t alien to him — he was even pretty happy about them being photographed together because one; he could show off to Soohyuk and Seungho that he indeed had been at a date with Seunghyun, and two; he would totally post a picture of tonight on Instagram. Having arm candy like Choi next to him was just something he most definitely had to show off — which was how they ended up on the balcony for the night. 

The food had already been served and eaten — the evening had moved on from long, boring speeches to entertainment and drinks and Jiyong had desperately craved a cigarette. To his luck, Choi as well and they had decided to take a bit of a breather and step outside for the moment. The autumn air was fresh, but not too cold and Jiyong welcomed it. He hadn‘t realized until now how stuffy and hot it had been inside, but once fresh air hit his face he felt as if he could finally breathe again. The night had fallen already and as they stepped outside the chattering and music from inside got blocked by the doors falling shut. All you could hear was the distant sound of a busy street at night, but they were far away. Light was falling through the big windows, enough to illuminate the space around and between them and Jiyong was just the perfect amount of tipsy to decided that not it would be the perfect time to post some pictures of them. He pushed Seunghyun back until he stood at the far end of the balcony — skyline emerging high behind him as he laughed, while Jiyong placed him just how he wanted him. He quickly walked over to one of the bar tables standing around and placed it opposite to where Seunghyun was standing.

“What are you doing?“ There was amusement in Choi‘s voice and Jiyong just winked at him. 

“Setting up a small studio — want to have some nice pictures of the night.“ 

He stripped out of his suit jacket and placed it carefully on the table, pulling out his phone and positioning it so it was cushioned on the jacket. It was just enough so it did not fall back over when Jiyong made it stand straight on the table and opened the front camera. He tapped at it a few more times, setting the timer and everything up, before he rushed back to where Choi was standing and immediately linked their arms together and cuddled up against his shoulder and chest. Seunghyun laughed again — his deep baritone voice making Jiyong extra giggly — and pulled Jiyong closer against his chest. Arm secure around his waist. The flash went off and they both smiled at the camera — Jiyong moved around a bit every time after a picture had been taken, trying to test out all of his good angles to get at least one decent pick. 

His phone was set to ten pictures and Jiyong half-hearty counted when Seunghyun suddenly reached over to his chin and pulled his face towards his own. He had the total amount of one picture time to realize what was going on and then he could feel Seunghyun‘s lips on his own. The eight picture got snapped and Jiyong sprang into action — his hands cradling Seunghyun‘s face and returning the kiss with everything he had. He nibbled at his lower lip, sucking it between his own. They moved together, making Jiyong feel tingly in all the good places and then Choi let his tongue slip between his lips and he went to heaven. Who would have thought that this man would also turn out to be such an amazing kisser?

He didn’t know how long they continued to kiss, just that his heart was going crazy and that his stomach was doing flips. The background noises faded, no busy street, no muffled voices around them anymore, nothing — just them, kissing. Jiyong liked how Seunghyun had to lean down just a little bit to kiss him, liked how different they were in statue. The other man was tall, long legs for days and looked incredibly manly. But there was such a soft and sweet, yet passionate way how he kissed him. It was almost delicate in a way Jiyong hadn’t expected — and he loved it. 

The butterflies in his stomach were still going crazy when they finally pulled apart — his own eyes shining with happiness as he looked at Seunghyun, who had a similar look on his face. His heart was fluttering when their noses touched for a moment, before Seunghyun grinned down at him. “Think that was good enough for a picture?“

Jiyong was so starstruck that he needed a moment to fully understand what the other man had just said — everything finally fell into place and he just grinned brightly and shook his head. His fists playfully smacking him against his chest, his forehead touching his collarbones, and then he pushed him away and walked backwards to where his phone was — still smiling at Seunghyun. “With me in the picture for sure.“

He turned around quickly and took a look on the pictures — his cheeks nearly hurt from grinning so much as he saw how well they turned out. The orange light from the huge windows was perfect for such a sweet scene and illuminated their outfits and faces perfectly. He swiped to the next picture — Seunghyun had his arm around his waist now and the smile on Jiyong’s lips was bigger now. Two pictures later and they were kissing — it was weird to see himself kiss someone. Not that he had not done that before for commercials or photoshootings, but this was different. This was him in his free-time, kissing someone not because he was bored or drunk or lonely, but because he seriously felt chemistry between them. — Okay. He was slightly tipsy and he had been bored out of his mind when he first came here and he kinda had been lonely in the past; but this was different. It had been so long since he had last felt something when kissing someone. Even longer for it to feel this good. 

“You mind if I post it on Instagram?“

Seunghyun chuckled. “No, go ahead. Good publicity, you know.“ Jiyong looked up just in time to see Seunghyun smirk and wink at him and he just rolled his eyes, big smile still edged in place. What an idiot — his humor was terrible, but Jiyong was totally digging it. He typed away for a moment, added the caption date night and a the heart eyes emoji, before posting it. There. Soohyuk and Seungho had thought they had done something terrible, but in the end he should probably thank them for this opportunity. He snorted to himself for a moment, before he pocketed his phone and skipped back to where Seunghyun was still standing, linking their arms together again.

“You are really full of yourself, aren’t you?” 

“Well, have you seen me?” 

As if to proof his point Seunghyun jutted out his chiseled jawline and waved his hands around as if he was presenting his face and it sent Jiyong into another fit of giggles. This guys was an alien — a really hot one, that was and he was funny and charming and cute and Jiyong just wanted take this man home with him. He let his arms wrap around Seunghyun’s neck, pulling his face closer to his face. “Actually not, let me take a closer look.”

Seunghyun laughed, too and then they were kissing again and Jiyong could swear that he forgot how to breath for a moment — he felt light-headed and the alcohol was still present in his system and added just the right amount of dizziness to make him feel as if he was floating. Seunghyun’s hands were on his neck — thumb caressing his cheeks and slowly making their way down until he grabbed him by his hips and pulled him towards himself. Jiyong gasped at that, having to stop kissing Seunghyun for a moment to get air back into his lungs. The other man kissed him one last time before he pulled away and looked down at the disheveled Jiyong and smirked. 

“Wanna go back inside again?” 

Jiyong just grinned. “Sure.” — he didn’t let go of his arm, instead, he remained glued to Seunghyun’s side for the rest of the evening once they were inside again. He could feel all eyes on them and Jiyong just relished it. Having a intelligent, handsome man next to him and everyone was paying attention to him and his date, good wine and company — what else could he possibly want? 

The evening passed all too quickly in his opinion — Seunghyun and he talked a lot about many things; it was refreshing to have someone to talk about any topic with and to actually get feedback. Jiyong was so used to brainless small talk with other models during fashion shows that talking about philosophy, politics and art — hell, even what they were up to these days — refreshing. In the fashion world it was always only about gossip and gossip, oh, and more gossip. While Jiyong lived for drama and said gossip he had to admit that always talking about the same things was getting boring and he needed excitement. 

Something he hadn’t thought he would find in Seunghyun, but the other man was brilliant. They talked about art, paintings, movies, talked about ethical problems and music and Jiyong was in awe — he had known that Seunghyun had had interest in these things when they were younger, but back then it seemed like such a weird thing to like, but now they were in their late twenties and Jiyong couldn’t think about anything better to talk about than their different world views, to see where they clashed and where they mashed. 

A few times some other people tried to talk to Seunghyun — especially women and older men, and Jiyong kept quiet. Verbally — boy language wise he stared them all down and prayed inwardly for them not to make a wrong move because then they would get what they deserved and that wouldn't be pretty. But Seunghyun was being a gentleman — he entertained them for a minute or two, before he pulled Jiyong in next to him and excused them — most of them were from magazines or reporters who wanted to write articles, but en equally big part was made up of people who simply wanted to get into his pants and Jiyong felt proud whenever Seunghyun would pull him in to show them that he was there with him and not available. At least not for the night. 

More pictures were taken of them when they had stepped inside — this time Jiyong made sure that they both looked amazing, standing close enough so there was no room for interpretation; they were there together. It would probably cause some ruckus — especially because Fashion Week was coming up and Chanel was always up his ass before these events for him to please make sure he did not get involved in any scandals, but honestly? He did not care right now and besides, Seunghyun was probably the most un threatening man he had ever went out with — there certainly had been bigger assholes and it would probably push his image a bit, too; Kwon Jiyong visiting Benefit Gala with mysterious arm candy. He could already imagine the headlines. 

When the evening was finally slowing down, the drinks were getting less and the conversations were turning hushed, it was time to go — not that Jiyong wanted to end this night, but ever since the kiss he had been horny and wanted to get his hands on Seunghyun and undress him with his teeth. He had tried to stay put and behave — Seunghyun was the one who had organized all of this and for once Jiyong did not feel the need or want to cause a scene by blowing someone under the table or drag them off to the bathroom. Instead, he had remained by Seunghyun’s side, played nice and entertained him and others for the night. But slowly his patience was riding thin — especially with all the looks Seunghyun was throwing his way every once in a while, and the way his eyes would stay glued to his thighs or ass. 

Eventually the time was finally ripe for them to leave — they had lingered around the entrance are for a while, still talking, before they finally stepped outside to share a cigarette or two. The last few pictures were being taken and Jiyong was sure he must have looked absolutely wrecked by now, but he didn’t care. He had Seunghyun by his side and was about to leave with this beautiful man in just a few minutes — life was good. 

“So, Jiyong — how are you getting home? Want me to call you a cab, or —?”

“—or?” Jiyong grinned teasingly up at Seunghyun as he stepped into his space. His hand carefully close to the other man’s crotch and he bit his lip as he saw Seunghyun take in a hitched breath. 

“I was about to offer you to drive you home, actually. I haven’t had anything to drink besides a glass of wine and that was hours ago. Would you want that?”

“I’d love that actually.”

“Good.”

Seunghyun took his hand and kissed it, before pulling Jiyong after him and towards one of the cars that was already waiting for them. The other man held the door open for him, before getting into the car himself and Jiyong once again felt as if he had met Prince Charming. He started the car, radio playing faintly in the background and they took off as soon as Jiyong told him where to. 

They drove mainly in silence — Jiyong was trying to hide his big grin whenever he would catch Seunghyun glancing at him and then he would oh so carefully and innocently place his hand on top of Seunghyun’s thigh, very close to his crotch, because he was that much of a tease. He could feel the tension in Seunghyun’s leg when he started to draw small patterns into his muscles, but that was as far as he went. Though the thought of giving Seunghyun a blowjob at the red light was more than just alluring.

But Jiyong was still Jiyong so the moment they came to an stop in the parking garage leading to his apartment complex he let his hand slip to Seunghyun’s dick and squeezed — he really liked what he could feel under the fabric and Seunghyun wasn’t even hard. Tonight was really going to be fun and— 

“Kwon, stop it.” 

Wait what? 

Jiyong drew his hand back and looked at the other man — something had just shifted between them and Jiyong did not like the shift at all. Had he misunderstood things? Certainly not, besides, no one could resist his charms. A confused and nervous smile appeared on his lips. “Everything okay, Choi?”

“Yeah, totally.” He cleared his throat and squared his shoulders. “Kwon, get out of the car.”

“Oh, so commanding. Are you into that?” But one look from Seunghyun and Jiyong knew that the other man had not talked about possible dominant and submissive tendencies, but was, actually, kicking him out of the car.

“Wait, what?” This didn’t make sense. Not one bit. Just a minute ago Seunghyun was smiling at him with bedroom eyes and now he was kicking him out of his car and to leave him hard and aching? 

There was a smile on Seunghyun’s lips again — but it was fake and only meant to underline what he said next. “You heard right, Kwon. Get out of my car — it is late and I want to get home so move it.”

“What the actual fuck — Seunghyun, what the hell? We just spent an entire evening together, talking and having fun, making out on a balcony and now you have the nerve to just kick me, Kwon Jiyong , out of your car? Are you out of your fucking mind? Do you know who I am?”

“Oh, I still have to thank you for that you know—” Seunghyun smiled again, “You coming to the Gala was just the perfect publicity stunt, you know. That way, I was able to get so many come to the Gala, just because they wanted to take a glimpse at you and you clinging to me like a lovesick puppy made them think you cared deeply about all of this and they donated a lot — thank you for that.”

Jiyong felt like passing out. 

What the actual fuck was going on. 

“You see, this way we both have something to be happy about; I can support my clinic and future projects, help all the animals and support smaller shelters — and you get to keep your hideos Lamborghini. It’s a win win situation you can’t deny that.”

Now Jiyong seriously could only gap at the other man. “How the fuck do you know about the Lamborghini?”

Seunghyun snorted. “Please, do you really think I am stupid Jiyong? I was in love with you for years during High School and you treated me like trash, you bullied me, degraded me and trampled me with feet all the damn time. I know you and I know your friends from back then — you would never go out with a random loser like me.” His voice sounded bitter and his eyes had turned cold. The hard smile now creeping back onto his lips. “Besides, Bom works in my clinic as a specialist and she and Chaerin are my friends. They called me and warned me that you would probably pull shit like that so I made the best out of it — I got to boost my own Gala, had some fun with a pretty little thing like you and got to make a fool out of you. Now get out of my car.”

Jiyong was offended on so many levels he could not comprehend one clear thought. His facial features twisted from disbelieve, to anger, to disgust, back to anger and eventually he huffed loudly and nearly growled into Seunghyun’s face as he got out of the car.

“You fucking son of a bitch, do you think this is funny? You fucking asshole, I hope you have a car accident and die — what the fuck is wrong with you?”

He slammed the car door shut with full force, but all he could hear was laughter. Then, as he was already walking towards the elevator in the garage, he could hear the window being opened and Choi calling his name.

“Hey, Kwon!” 

“What!?” He was so close to actively losing it right now. One more thing from that asshole and he would throw punches. 

Seunghyun just smiled sweetly as he looked at Jiyong and for a moment Jiyong could feel how his heart was fluttering and the butterflies went off in his stomach again. 

“Karma is a bitch, and so are you.” 

Jiyong saw read; he screamed at Choi, who only laughed hysterically and drove off. The last thing he could see of the other man were the backlights of his car as he sped away, leaving Jiyong running behind his car until he finally slowed down, panting hard. Rage and anger was filling every single fiber of his being and he just wanted to punch something. How dare Choi do him dirty like this — how fucking dare he. He had absolutely no right to treat him like that. None —! 

He could feel his phone vibrate in the back of his pocket and he fished it out, only to snarl in disgust as he saw the newest comment that had been left under the picture of him and Choi by one of his friends.

_ 'You guys look so good together — what a couple!!’ _

Jiyong growled and threw his phone with everything he had to the ground, stepping on it a few times for good measure. The screen cracked and everything turned black — and Jiyong finally felt some of the tension bleed out of his body. His eyes were teary — he was so pissed off he actually had started to tear up. That was something that had never happened before. 

He picked up the remaining pieces of his phone and stormed over to the elevator that lead to his apartment. 

Oh he would get revenge for that — one way or another, Choi would get his ass kicked. Along with Chaerin and Bom. Soohyuk and Seungho, too, for good measure, because there was no way these two fuckers had not known about this. He snarled again and threw the front door shut behind him as he finally entered his flat — Iye jumped off the table and darted out of the room when Jiyong came in huffing and puffing and throwing the broken piece of plastic that used to be his phone onto the wooden desk. The sound clattered hard and loud in the room. 

“Motherfucking piece of shit — how dare this piece of trash use me like that, I can‘t stand this asshole. Who does he think he is?“

Choi was going to pay for this. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I got such nice and sweet feedback I decided to post the next chapter earlier than planned!   
> Hope you guys like it!
> 
> AN; please take a look at the tags, since I have added a few!

**three**

The only thing Jiyong had not thought through that well when smashing his phone and stepping on it had been that he would not have proper access to his Instagram account nor call anyone to bitch about for at least a couple of hours. He could obviously use his iPad, but exactly on this day Iye had decided to use it as his plaything for the night and threw it off the table resolving in the screen splitting into a billion pieces and therefore it being completely useless. 

— and his laptop was at his office so good luck trying to delete the damn post of him and that damn Choi Clown. His blood was boiling ever since and the first thing he did the next day was get a new phone to delete everything. 

As soon as everything was set up and ready to go he was flooded with missed calls and notifications. His manager, friends, some assistant from Chanel that probably was going to rip him a new one for whatever reason, and some more notifications from his friends either laughing at him or congratulating him on having such a hot date as Dr. Choi. 

Wait, how did they all know his name? Even the ones who hadn't known of the bet or had been in school with them knew who he was — what was going on? Jiyong frantically typed away on his phone, trying to figure out what was going on. He clicked on his last post and scrolled through some of the comments quickly realizing that Choi apparently had an Instagram account, too, because people were tagging him over and over again, gushing about what a cute couple they were. 

Jiyong scoffed. Wonderful, now he had given this idiot a spotlight and a free shout out, too — probably helping him get a shit ton of followers. Still, he wanted to know what this idiot was posting. 

He nearly threw his new phone as he saw his account. Not only was Dr. Seunghyun Choi a verified user, he also had 1.3 Million followers for some reason and Jiyong suddenly felt really close to having an aneurysm. How the hell did this guy get so much attention? He scrolled down looking through some of his posts — it was him working and taking care of animals. In many posts he was only wearing a flimsy shirt and smiling at the camera while showing off the python hanging over his shoulder, or petting a wolf, or — had he really posted a video of him working out ? Jiyong scoffed again — what a pretentious, attention seeking influencer. Did he really think this was cool? To show off muscles and smile at the camera like a tool? Please, this was just ridiculous. Jiyong pointedly ignored the fact that he was doing the very same most of the time whenever he posted on social media — minus the muscles and more of the sultry looks and cat-like eyes and posing things. But he was a model. It was expected of him to act like that — everyone in the modeling scene did that so why shouldn’t he? But this guy? He was a doctor and should behave as such — but what did he do? Show off his stupid perfectly sculptured abs on Instagram. 

Jiyong was having none of this — he was about to delete the post of him and Choi when his phone rang. It was his manager, Sandara, and he could already feel his skin crawl. She had called a bunch of times since last night and that could only mean one thing; him getting his ass kicked to the moon and back and as nice and sweet Dara was most of the time, this woman could get scary. Really scary — scarier than his mother and older sister combined. He took one last deep breath before he picked up the call. “Hello!”

_“Oh see who is finally awake!”_ —off to a good start, _“Do you have any idea how many times I have tried to get a hold of you? I was about to drive over to your apartment if you hadn’t picked up your phone this time around.”_ Jiyong shuddered at that — it had happened more than once that Dara had just showed up whenever he had neglected some of his duties and just dragged him out of the room by his ear. _“I don’t care what your excuse is this time around, but you have so much to do now that you posted that picture of Choi and you—“_

“Actually, I was about to delete it and—“

_“Don’t you dare!“_

“Pardon?“ 

_“You heard right, Kwon. I don‘t care what all of this is about, if he is your new Boy Toy or whatever — the thing is, people love seeing the two of you together and I would be a bad manager if I would let this chance go, so you will not delete the picture. Chanel had their panties in a bunch about you posting with him, because they aren’t exactly known for being cruelty free — I had an emergency meeting while you were asleep and guess who managed to convince them that they would at least stop using animal fur and exotic skins, so say goodbye to those coats and terrible snake skinned shoes you always wear and no you do not get to bitch about that, because you are the one who started this whole trend by posting this selfie with Choi.“_

Jiyong felt his head spin — he had triggered what now? He groaned loudly and pinched the bridge of his nose. Being in the business for as long as he was often also made you forget how much of an influence you had on the fashion world if you were as big as him. One time in the past he had started to simply slip into his Vans for the simple reason that he was too lazy and hungover to put them on properly and then everyone had started to do that too and then Vans had modified their shoes so you could slip in more easily like he always did. It was almost comical 

“—and why does that mean I don't get to delete the damn picture?“ He was gritting his teeth the whole time. Jiyong knew that he could not bark out at Dara or he would be doing lots and lots of shootings within the span of a single day and he did not want to go through that again. 

_“Because people like seeing the two of you together and Chanel is ready to make a brand new collection where they will give a big part of the earnings to charity, so buckle up and get ready for a few shootings next week. Do not delete the picture — you will leave a couple of nice and sweet comments on Choi‘s account instead. Sober up and don't fuck this up .“_

“But I—“ The call had already ended and all Jiyong could hear was the beeping of the dead line. He let his head fall into his hands — what had his life become? Now he not only had to see Choi again who had openly humiliated him the day before, no, he also had to work with him and knowing Dara she probably hired Seungho and Soohyuk and some other of his friends who would be part of the shooting, which meant that all of his friends would see him and laugh at him for having to work with Choi now. It was actually bitterly hilarious, because it felt a little bit like they were back in school again and — Jiyong stopped messaging his temples for a moment. Had this been how Seunghyun had felt during their high school days? Surely, Jiyong had not been as cruel as he had — flirting with him only to ridicule him in front of everyone and making them laugh at him; only now he wasn’t too sure anymore. Because there had been a moment like that in the past — it had been prom, obviously. Where else could you ridicule someone as perfectly as there? Seunghyun had actually asked Jiyong if he had wanted to go with him and Jiyong had said yes, only to dump a drink in his face during prom, saying he would never go on a date with him. 

Shit, he had really fucked up hadn‘t he? 

Whatever — it would only be for this shooting next week. He could do that and after that he could unfollow Choi, delete the picture and block him. It would not be that hard. He was a genius when it came to re-inventing himself after catastrophic things happened after all and this was just another one of these minor fucked up moments in his life. He could totally do this.

* * *

Only now that the time had come to prepare for this shooting with Choi he wasn’t too sure anymore. He had barely talked to anyone in that week — Bom and Chaerin were close with Choi it seemed, therefore there was no way he would talk to them anytime soon; it stung like a bitch to see his best friend Chaerin hang out with Choi just like that. It was as if now she only posted pictures of them together — had they really been friends before? Jiyong couldn‘t believe it, but from all these throwback pictures she was posting from a year or longer ago, it seemed like they really had been tight. Why had she not said anything to him? — Jiyong knew why, but this was still like a slap in the face. It was as if all of his friends had been lying to him all this time. Like Seungho who was suddenly out for drinks with Choi, along with Soohyuk and Bom. Or when Youngbae was suddenly out with Choi visiting art galleries along with SooJoo. 

It was ridiculous — wherever he looked, Choi had infested it. And it made his stomach hurt even more the closer this damn shooting came. The night before it was scheduled he didn’t sleep at all — which meant he needed another extra hour in the makeup chair, getting scolded for the heavy bags under his eyes and his bloodshot eyes. The makeup artist was going on and on about him not being allowed to go out and get shit faced the day before a shooting — Jiyong didn’t really have the strength to tell her that for once, he had not been out, but had actually had trouble sleeping.

When he stepped into the room he could feel all eyes on him and for once in his life it did not feel good, quite the contrary actually. His skin was prickling, he felt hot and his breath was shallow — he tried not to panic, but his mind wouldn’t shut up about all the things that could go wrong at _this_ moment. Choi could suddenly tell everyone who didn’t already know what had really happened and ridicule him in front of everyone, he could make him fall on his face, rip off his shirt or whatever so he would stand in front of everyone butt naked. The cameras could get overheated and cause the light bulbs to explode, his friends and everyone around could point their fingers at him and laugh at him, the stress could cause him to have a heart attack, his lungs could collapse and—

“Jiyong, are you ready?“ 

He finally snapped out of it — but only superficially. His mind was still racing, while his heart was hammering against his chest and his blood rushing in his ears. Still, he forced a smile and put on the fake mask he had perfectionated over all the years in the spotlight. He even managed to force his hands not to shake.

“Of course!“

“Perfect, then let’s get started with the first outfit — Seunghyun is already ready.“

Jiyong pointedly ignored Seungho and Soohyuk at the other side of the room, as well as everyone else who he personally knew. Especially Choi, which was _especially_ hard because apparently this would be a partner shoot and he already stood in front of the camera, smiling. What a pretentious asshole. He forced his own smile, came to a stop next to Choi and looked at the camera.

“Alright — let's get started!“

Jiyong had a lot of terrible shootings in his career — a few times it was because of sexual harassment, another handful of times it was because the outfits were terrible or painful to wear and a couple of times it had been because the shooting locations had been just the worst; one time he had to sit butt naked on ice, covered in jewelry and while the results were amazing, he had been sick a week straight after he was done. But this shooting was way worse than all of the terrible shootings he had ever had combined. He felt dizzy and light headed, he was breaking a nervous sweat half of the time and the other half of the time his stomach was in knots and he felt like throwing up. It didn’t help at all that they had to shoot ten different outfits and that most of the time they were touching. In most shots Choi was touching him — hips, shoulders, his arm, hand, his thigh; you name it and Choi probably had had his hands there already thanks to this shooting. Under every other circumstance Jiyong would have embarrassed it — to have such a handsome and sexy man touch him, but now it felt like torture. Whenever he looked at Seunghyun his heart skipped a beat, only for it to contract painfully in the next. 

He hated himself for it, but he had developed a huge, ridiculous crush on the other man. It had started the night they had met up again, he had already felt it when they had talked for hours and hours and then they had kissed and everything was perfect, but now it wasn’t, because Choi was a revenge taking asshole that had made fun of him and had effectively crushed his heart within just a day and he had spent the better half of last week with stalking his social media account. He had read through all of his captions, looked through all the pictures and videos he had posted and had looked through the handful of people he was following — trying to figure out who he was close to and all that, because that is what you do these days when you have a crush on someone. You stalk their social media to find out more about them. Who are their friends? What are their hobbies? Who are their exes? Are they still close to their exes?

So far he hadn’t seen anything that indicated that Choi was seeing someone, anyone, or that he was interested in anyone. So that would mean that Seunghyun was single and that would be nice — not that he would give this asshole a chance every again. Never. It was just that Jiyong was single these days, too and while he normally did not see anything wrong with that, in this situation it was, because he just knew that Seunghyun saw being single as something pathetic. Probably. Maybe. Fuck he didn’t know. He probably thought that he was just some shallow model in the industry with no depth to him — and Jiyong hated that. He hated that Choi probably saw him was some partying aushole who had fun with fucking up people’s life’s, because he was way more than that — or was he? 

Shit, this whole thing with Choi had sent him right into his quarter life crisis and he did not enjoy it at all. Hell, he was getting close to 30 and he had archived so much, but if he was being honest — he wasn’t happy. Normally he would just go out with friends and get drunk to dull these empty feeling inside of him, but now that he had spent a week at home, binging Netflix cartoons, with no one around but his cats Iye and Joah and the ugly feelings and thoughts had been creeping back into his head and he hated to admit it, but he had cried — more than he had in a long. Partly, because he finally saw how shitty his life had become; empty friends that dropped him at the first possible moment for something better, superficial one night stands, and a probably by now bad liver. The only one who was around sometimes was Dami — but she was mostly busy with work, too; meeting up with their father and doing whatever you did when you had a job like her. 

And seeing Choi at the shooting had not made anything better. He saw how Choi was the one who was talking to his friends while he stood aside, getting prepared for the next outfit — saw how they laughed at his jokes and his anxiety ridden brain had told him that it was him they were laughing at. He just hoped that that was not accurate.

He did well during the shooting, striking poses, doing anything the photographer had wanted and tried to be professional about this whole thing, but as soon as it was over he just wanted to get out . Jiyong managed to not talk to Choi this whole time — no proper conversation, just a word here and there telling and showing him how to pose better. Not that someone as handsome as him needed help with that, because funnily no matter how stiff or weirdly Choi posed — the outcome was still breathtaking and made Jiyong almost forget about what had happened. But then he looked at Seunghyun a little too long and the memory of him fucking him over crept back and he just wanted to hide. 

The makeup artists were removing his makeup, when he heard laughter coming from his friends and Seunghyun. He didn’t know what was different than before when they had laughed together and talked, but now it set something off inside of him. His eyes teared up immediately and his fingers felt numb and tingly — his chest tightened and the thoughts in his head spiraled downwards into the same irrational morbid area it had been when he first walked in, but now his body was being flooded with sheer panic — it rolled through him in waves and it just wouldn’t stop. He quickly pushed away the person in front of him as she yet again put another cream on his face. He needed to get out.

Jiyong stumbled out of the room, through the main room where the shooting had been held at and out the back door. He could barely see where he was going, but it didn’t matter — he just needed to get out. He was hyperventilating and he felt like he was about to die at any given moment. The metallic door flew open with a bang and he stumbled into the back alley, crashing against the cold graffiti stained stone wall on the other side. His breaths were erratic and the tears didn’t stop — hiccuping made everything even worse and he sagged to the ground. He didn’t know what was happening and he was scared — was he having a heart attack? Aneurysm? What was this? He just needed to get away from people, from everyone — from his fake friends and everyone involved in this bullshit. 

He could barely register what was happening around him, he was too trapped in his own mind to really bother with anything but the absolute terror overcoming him — but then there was someone beside him. Strong hands were on his shoulders and he was being turned around — It was Seunghyun. Wonderful, Jiyong was dying and the last person he would see was this asshole who had ruined his life. He could see that he was talking to him, but he just couldn’t concentrate, he just wanted this feeling to stop and to feel okay again. 

“—yong, Jiyong listen to me. I need you to take a deep breath and hold it for three seconds and then you need to breath out for four. Can you do that?“ 

Was this idiot insane? He already felt like he was being choked how the fuck should he take a deep breath let alone hold it or breath out for that long?

“Come on, Jiyong. Just do it — you are going to be okay. You are having a panic attack, everything will be fine. It will pass — just try to breath in and hold it with me on the count of three, can you do that?“

He didn’t know what possessed him, but Jiyong did as he was told. He tried to take a deep breath, stopping a few times because the hiccups wouldn’t stop, but he did it. He took a deep breath and held it for as long as Seunghyun counted and then Seunghyun started to count from one to five again; slowly — and he exhaled. He didn’t know how long they were doing this — to him it felt like hours and hours, but the tight feeling in his chest slowly got better. It was still tense and his body was in pain, but it got a little bit better. Tears were rolling down his face and he felt like complete shit, but he could at least breathe again. His limbs felt heavy and his shoulders were tensed and he just wanted to sleep — he was totally exhausted by whatever had just happened. 

Jiyong just stared ahead, down on Choi‘s legs. Somewhere on the ground next to him — had he sat down in the dirt to calm him down? The warm hands on his shoulders vanished and he let out the tiniest whine. 

“—It‘s okay. I just need you to get up again. Can you walk?“ 

He nodded, his eyes still on the ground as he clinged to the next thing that was around him — it was probably Choi‘s back, but he couldn’t really tell. His legs still felt weak and someone else had their hand on the small of his back and people were talking, but it was only white noise to him. They eventually made it into another room and sat Jiyong down on the couch and gave him a glass to drink — it actually helped for some reason to calm him down and then Choi handed him a pack of gums. He didn’t really understand why those would help but at this point he was desperate to try anything. He quickly popped two into his mouth and started to chew. 

It took him awhile, but he slowly came back to feeling more like himself. Still exhausted and ready to sleep for a week, but more like himself. 

“Jiyong? How are you feeling?“

He scoffed, this was rich coming from Seunghyun. “So now you care about my feelings?“ He wanted to say more, to tell him to fuck off, but he didn’t have the strength. He just wanted to go home now. But Seunghyun sat next to him and was looking at him and talking to him and he just wanted to sleep in his arms if he was being completely honest. 

“Come on, all jokes aside — how are you feeling? Do you need more water?“ 

“Just..tired, exhausted to be honest. Everything hurts and my hands and legs feel numb. I don't know what happened — am I sick? Will I—“

Jiyong was ready to fall into panic again, but Seunghyun stopped him. “No, listen; you had a panic attack. I know they are scary as hell, but they are normal, common even. A lot of people suffer from an anxiety disorder or have panic attacks, you are not alone.The things you felt are symptoms; shortness of breath, terrible thoughts, chest pains, numbness in your hands or anywhere else—but the important part is; you are okay. You are not dying or anything terrible like that— that is just your brain telling you stupid things that aren’t true. Okay?“

Jiyong took a deep breath before answering. “Okay.“ 

“Good. Are you okay getting home on your own or do you want someone to accompany you? You really freaked out your friends you know, I am sure they would be more than willing to get you home.“ 

Jiyong needed to hold back a scoff — his friends? The one who had all gone behind his back and were now best friends with Choi? Laughing with him and spending time with Choi instead of with him? He could feel tears starting to form in his eyes again, but he forced them away. “No, thank you. I don’t want to see any of them.“

“You really shouldn’t drive alone, though. If you don’t want to see any of them, that’s fine with me, but I am not letting you step into a car on your own.“ 

“Just — do what you want. I just want to get home.“

“Alright, then I will drive you home.“ 

Jiyong’s blood froze. He would what now? His mouth already opened to say no to this whole thing, but then a new wave of anxiety bubbled up in his chest and he couldn't get a word out. Instead, he stayed put and chewed a bit harder on his gum, hoping it would do the trick to take off his mind of his bodily reactions. This time, he could hear the chatting in the back — SooJoo sounded positively worried, same went for Soohyuk and Seungho, but no. He didn’t want to see them and if that meant Choi would be the one who would drive him home then so be it. He just chewed more. 

Minutes passed and Choi came back with the bag Jiyong had arrived with and his jacket. He wordlessly got back on wobbly legs and quickly put on his jacket. He just wanted to get out and fall into his own bed — Choi was next to him the whole time they walked out of the room, down the stairs and into the underground parking lot. Jiyong normally had no problems with that at all, but suddenly he felt uneasy. He felt as if he couldn't breath — he was underground and it was as if things were closing in on him and he buried his fingers in Choi’s arms.

“—you okay?“

Jiyong couldn't answer. 

“Hey, Jiyong — look at me. You have to understand that what you are feeling right now is not real , none of these thoughts are. It is your brain that connects normal things with the fight or flight reaction, hence you feel anxious. But everything is okay, you are safe. “ 

He tried to listen, but couldn’t — it was hell all over again. What the hell was wrong with him?

“Don’t — don’t talk about it, don't. Can you — just talk about something else. Talk to me about something — just please, don't mention any of this. Get me out of here, please .“ 

“Alright, remember back in High School? Who was your favourite teacher?“ 

“W-What?“ They stumbled towards the car and Choi made him sit down in the passenger seat, before sitting down in the car as well. Jiyong couldn't help but immediately reach out for Choi‘s arms. Everything was scary right now and he couldn't stop shaking and he couldn't breathe again.

“Come on, Jiyong think. Also, I need you to hold your hands to yourself for a moment. Just until we are out of the parking lot and I can drive normally again. Alright?“ 

“Y-yeah, uhm —“ It was so hard to think straight, but he tried to think back to the times in High School and what subject he had really liked or the staff of teachers and what their names had been. “Uhm, I think that would be Mrs. Chang?“ 

“—and why is that? Come on tell me a little bit about her.“ 

“W-why, you were in the same class as I was — you know her.“

“Doesn’t matter, tell me. You have a different perspective than I have in many situations of life so you probably had a different view on her than I had, too.“ They finally left the parking lot and Jiyong immediately latched onto Choi‘s arm again. It was silly, but it made him feel a little bit safer. 

He tried to ignore his racing heart and the thoughts of sudden heart failure and forced himself to think back to why Mrs.Chang was the best teacher he ever had. “She — she was always nice to me, she encouraged me when I was down. She al—also tried to help me stay on the right track, I think? She was the one who told me to try doing photoshoots and modeling and all that. She believed in me when no one else did and she always said sweet things to me — she was a lot more understanding than my own mother.“ 

“She really was the best, wasn’t she?“ 

Jiyong stared at the gearshift between them, trying to blend out the cars roaring on the other side of the windows and the mass of humans on the streets. He felt dizzy again and the gum in his mouth tasted awful by now; no flavor left, just the plain gum and it felt as if something was burning and had he mentioned that he felt terrible. 

“She was — I actually kind of miss her.“

“Ever thought about visiting her?“ 

He perked up at that — with how stressful his life had been he had completely forgotten about that part of his life. It felt so far away and distant, but now that they were talking about all of this he felt a little bit of guilt tugging in his chest. Why hadn't he thought about talking to her sooner? “You are right, I should do that sometime.“ His voice was small and fragile and for a moment he could feel Seunghyun’s gaze on him and he looked up. They had arrived at the parking lot of his own apartment complex. 

His thoughts were racing in that moment — they didn’t say a word and Jiyong just sat there, nervously playing with his fingers. He still felt like crap, anxious and crappy. Shit, was this going to be something he had to deal with from now on on a daily basis? 

“Hey, uhm — listen. You seem really anxious, but there are a few things that could help you calm down. There are drops that can actually help you — or other things, but there are also meds that help, but you need to get them prescribed by a doctor. Another method is meditating and there are also many ways to help you get out of a panic attack— just look them up online, I am sure you will find something that helps.“

Jiyong stared at him for a moment. “How do you know so much about all of this?“ 

“High School was a hard time for me.“ 

That shut him up and Jiyong looked down on his own hands, a new wave of panic rushing through him. Had he caused Choi to feel like that? Had he really done that to him? He bit his lower lip, tugging at his own fingers. 

“Listen — there is a weekly meeting you could maybe go to. I don't know if it will help you, but maybe it really will help you in a lot of ways. There are many people who go through this, and maybe talking to people who suffer from the same things make you feel less alone.“ Choi handed him a small business card, tugged between his fingers. Jiyong took it, flipping it around. It was a self help group kind of thing — address written on the back. It wasn’t something glamorous, nothing prestigious. Just some random small meeting and a very big part of him wanted to just roll his eyes at this. He was the Kwon Jiyong and he would definite not be this much of a sad fuck up and actually go to one of these meetings; but another part of him was downright scared of what was happening to him. He didn’t say anything, just nodded once and put away the card. His hands sliding along his own thighs. His eyes trained on them. 

He cleared his throat. 

“Thank you.“ he quickly glanced at Choi, before he looked back at his knees. “For, you know, today — this. I don't know.“

Choi didn’t say anything, just nodded. His face seemed a little bit apathetic, but his eyes always darted back to Jiyong so that was a small sign that he cared; aside from the offer of a support group or whatever and everything else he had done. It made Jiyong feel a little bit warmer on the inside; calmer even. 

“I see you around?“

“Yeah, sure. See you around.“

The atmosphere was weird and strange between them, but as Choi continued to stare straight ahead Jiyong knew that it was his time to go. He got out of the car, grabbing his belongings as he did so, and then he was out of the car and the door was closed. On his way up to the apartment he was still lost in his head, but this time it was not exactly panic he felt, but something else. Choi had been sweet and caring, but then again that could be his nature and the doctor in him. He sighed heavily as he took out the card again and looked at him for a moment. Maybe he should really go to this meeting and see what it was all about; but first he would make sure to get as many meds that would help him handle this hell as possible. 

He placed the card on his nightstand, and pulled out his phone — it was time to call his own doctor and help him get him through this. Maybe that would already do the trick.

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter is touching the topics alcoholism as well as bi-polar disorder and anxiety disordere. I am only really familiar with anxiety disorder so in case I am not protraying the other two issues as well, I am sorry! I read articles about both, but reading about it, and actually going through either is /always/ so different. Bipolar disorder is a life long disorder and just like any other diseas can appear in various stages — for Jiyong I choose it to be relatively "mild", but it is coupled with an anxiety disorder and alcoholims so overall he is a poor soul in this story. Again, I hope my portrayal is okay and if there is anything that bothers you, please let me know and I will change it!

**four**

It had been the first time in years that Jiyong had seeked out an appointment with his psychiatrist — back when he was still in High School and his father had labeled him off as a ‘ _ problematic teenage _ r’ and had  _ suggested _ that he might want to seek out help. It hadn’t really helped at all — instead, it had only made Jiyong angry that all his father apparently saw in him was someone who was  _ sick  _ and  _ weak _ . Someone that you better sent off to a mental institution and locked up. — To say that he had been worried as well as anxious to actually go to the appointment was the underestimation of the century.

There was also a big part of him that was angry — angry at the situation he was stuck in, angry at his  _ friends _ , angry at his father and mother, angry at Choi; the list went on and on. But he didn’t know why he was feeling like that, it was just there and he hated it — it made him want to drink, because the anger disappeared when he was out and about and got replaced by a good mood and people praising him. It was the only way he really knew how to let go of that anger that was still flaring inside of him, which was why he decided to down a quick shot before leaving his house before the appointment. It was only a little bit of scotch, but it helped him calm down a little bit and lifted his spirit. — and then another one just to make sure the mood would stay up. 

Before he arrived at the practice Jiyong popped in two pieces of gum — he knew from experience that even if you drank just a little bit, people could quickly tell if you had something to drink already. Whatever — was going to try this and it made him feel a bit better so why not? 

The practice itself was already very different to how he had remembered it — there were paintings everywhere. He squinted a bit as he read the titles of them as well as who the artists were; he didn’t know any of these people, the only name he recognized was the one of his Doctor — Nam Inhye. She apparently liked to paint in her free time. 

It definitely gave the practice a more welcoming touch than the usual white walls and floors and  _ everything white’s _ — the floor was solid wood and each room had been painted in a different color. There were also lots and lots of decorations and normally it would make a room seem tacky or  _ stuffed _ , but it somehow didn’t feel like that at all. Instead, it was  _ cozy _ . 

Jiyong snapped out of his thoughts when Doctor Nam entered the room and asked him to sit down in the chair in front of her desk, while she sat down as well. 

“What can I do for you, Mr.Kwon?”

There suddenly was an uncomfortable warmth spreading around his neck and cheeks. He cleared his throat, trying to remember the things he had recited to himself in the elevator on his way up, but the anxiety was already gnawing at him again. As well as the anger. 

He cleared his throat one more time. “Well — I have been having issues with  _ anxiety _ lately and someone I know recommended me to seek out help through medication, or something similar.”  _ Anything to make these panic attacks stop.  _

Nam carefully mustered him for a moment and then leaned back in her seat. “The anxiety, when did it start? And what are your symptoms?” Her body language screamed professional, but there was a soft touch in her voice that made him calm down a bit. Maybe it was because she was pretty close in age to his own mother. — or maybe it was something entirely else, Jiyong had a hard time concentrating. There was still the stall taste of alcohol on his tongue and while it had helped him calm down before the appointment, it made him feel a little bit nauseous now. 

“Well, uh — to be honest I had the first panic attack yesterday.” He nervously drummed his fingers on the edge of his seat, his leg bouncing. “I—I feel as if I can't breath and my hands start to shake and my — my hands feel numb? It’s— hard. Hard to really say what the symptoms are because my mind is blank and I just, I don’t know.” Jiyong really didn’t feel like talking about his symptoms right now and scoffed. She was a doctor, wasn’t she supposed to know what the symptoms were of something as simple as a panic attack?

“Did you ever have issues with anxiety before? — I think I remember you coming to my practice years ago when you were younger. You seemed extraordinarily stressed and as much as I wanted to help you back then you weren’t ready for that. I looked through my notes and your file from back then and it seemed to me that you already had issues with anxiety. How come you waited so long for another appointment?”

Jiyong bit his tongue — he really didn’t wanna think about the last time he was here and it somehow irked him the wrong way that she looked up her old files about it. Almost as if she was trying to show him how much he had fucked up in the past — was she trying to embarrass him and to belittle him? — the anger started to bubble up again and he was ready to explode, but Doctor Nam spoke again. 

“I am asking these questions, not to make you feel uncomfortable, Mr. Kwon. I  _ need _ to know if you have been feeling anxious for a long time, or if the symptoms are  _ recent _ , because there is a different approach when treating them then so I need you to be honest with me. I am not going to judge you for anything — I am here to help you.”

Jiyong swallowed the ball of anger down. Okay. He could work with that. “So, back then you showed signs of possibly a bi-polar disorder and an anxiety disorder. Have you been properly diagnosed with any illnesses and if yes are you in treatment for these?”

His stomach dropped and he swallowed hard. He had almost forgotten about what she had told him — he had been too pissed off to really grasp what she had been talking about back then, but her repeating her first quick diagnosis made him feel a bit sick in the stomach. 

“No — and no.”

Doctor Nam was quiet for a moment, scribbling something down in her notes, before she reached for what seemed to be a few sheets of paper. 

“I am going to ask you to go through this questionnaire and please, answer it as honestly as possible. — It will make diagnosing you a lot easier and it is always more comfortable for my patients to fill this form out, rather than me playing a hundred questions, unless you want me to go through with all of them with you?” — there was a warm smile on her lips and Jiyong felt both happy and frightened at the same time. Happy, because she seemed to understand really well how painful talking about all of this could be and how uncomfortable, but also frightened at the idea of going through all of those questions with her.

He quickly reached for the questionnaire. “No, thank you.” 

She chuckled at his eagerness and held up a pen. 

“You can go into the next room — more privacy there and you won’t feel as if I am watching you. Come back inside when you are done filling it out and then we will see how I can help you, okay?” 

  
  


* * *

Some questions were easy — some were anything but and they also touched a lot of different topics. Anxiety, depression, insomnia, how he dealt with feeling down, how he usually reacted to different scenarios, how many hours of sleep he usually got, how his relationship with his parents, family and friends was, if and how often he smoked, drank alcohol or frequented other substances. — It was odd filling this form out truthfully, because honestly, telling your doctor about your habit of taking molly when he was gonna hit the clubs or be at a social event, or drinking tequila in the morning felt  _ wrong _ . But something about what had happened the day before made him realize that there was something wrong with him and how he had decided to live his life. 

The questions about suicidal thoughts hit him all the wrong way, too. Had he thought about killing himself? Not really. — He really hadn’t. But there had been moments where he didn’t want to exist anymore, where he just wanted to be  _ gone _ . Not dead, just  _ not here _ and having to deal with his own life, his family, his own head. — and that wasn’t what being suicidal was about, right? Suicidal was about wanting to jump off a cliff 24/7 and hurting yourself.

Right?

He tapped his fingers nervously against the table in front of him. Whatever — he had filled out the questionnaire and thinking too hard about it wouldn’t make it easier. But  _ what if _ something he had answered was so incredibly terrible that the Doctor would just scoff and kick him out? Or laugh at him — or lock him up in a mental institution? Jiyong suddenly felt sick, but he pushed that feeling aside and walked back into the other room where Doctor Nam was waiting for him. She wordlessly took the questionnaire back and mentioned him to sit back down again, while she scanned over the questions and the answers he had ticked. 

The three minutes and twenty eight seconds it took her to ready through everything felt like an eternity and Jiyong could feel the by now familiar signs of an anxiety attack to spark up inside of him again as she set the form aside and took off her reading glasses. 

“Do you know the biggest difference between men and women when it comes to the diagnoses of mental illnesses or disorders, Jiyong?”

He swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “No, I don’t.”

“It is actually pretty interesting to see, when you are looking at it from a gender study related angle — you see, in women there are so many different illnesses and disorders. Depression, bi-polar, anxiety, borderline, schizophrenia — you name it, but within men? What do you think is the most common illness in men?”

A silent shrug. 

“Alcoholism.” 

Well, damn. He suddenly felt guilty. 

“Men tend to simply grab a bottle of beer, or a glass of wine or anything else when they start to feel any emotion that makes them uncomfortable. Be it because they feel anxious, depressed, —or not able to sleep. They drink — and from how you have answered these questions I do think that you might have an alcohol addiction, rooted in anxiety and a bipolar disorder.” 

Jiyong suddenly felt as if someone punched him in the gut. His father had been right; he really was fucked up in the head and in need of adjustment. — Jiyong could feel how his stomach clenched up and a wave of panic flooded his system. He tried to keep his legs still, but the left one started to bounce almost immediately and he averted his gaze. Nam looking at him was suddenly too much for him to deal with so he stared at the hardwood floor. 

“—which is why I think it is important that you seek out help in therapy, too.” There was rustling, and Jiyong carefully looked up to see that Doctor Nam was scribbling something down on a piece of paper — it looked like an address? “I know this probably feels like I dumped a lot on you right now, and I really have, but I hope you understand that this is just for your own good. I really want to help you, Jiyong, and I know how scary it can be to start therapy and medications, too, but I promise you we will make you feel better about yourself.”

His throat was dry as sandpaper — but there also was a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach now and he could feel his eyes water a bit. Another cough to make the awkward feeling go away, before he carefully smiled up at her and reached for the paper with the address she was holding towards him.

“This is the address of a group therapy. — if you call they will ask you which group you wanna attend, since there are different topics so to say. There is one that especially revolves around depression, one for anxiety patients, one for alcoholism, and many more. They meet up once a week and I think you should maybe give it a try — you will see that other people go through the exact same things you have to go through and that it is not so abnormal. It could also help you form new connections outside of the world of the rich and famous and that can sometimes help, too. — If you feel like going to one of those appointments I would advise you to either go to the group focusing on alcoholism, or to the one about anxiety. It will give you an idea of what therapy is like and if you think it is something you can deal with, we could talk about you becoming my therapy patient as well. — But of course, only if you want to and are comfortable with me.” 

Jiyong bit the side of his tongue. “But, aren’t you a psychiatrist? They only prescribe medications, not do therapy.” He couldn't hold back the sass.

“While that is true, I doubled in psychology as well and am a certified therapist, but if that is not enough for you I can show you my diploma’s as well as all the other degrees I have — how’d you like that?” — there now was a clear biting edge to it, but not the one that made you feel like shit, but the one that made you laugh and Jiyong  _ did _ laugh. This woman knew her shit it seemed, and while she was a nice person, she was also someone not to be fucked with apparently, and Jiyong liked that. Maybe he would really consider therapy with her. — He nodded. 

“Sounds good to me — but what about the anxiety?” 

“You answered the questions, saying that there might have been a long period of time where you felt anxious, but you never thought too much about it, because you simply decided to drink it away — but now that the panic attacks started it is hard to just ignore it.” She looked through the notes again. “You also said that you had troubles sleeping and had another panic attack during the night that was almost as bad as the one you suffered before, and a mild one this morning, right? — That was the reason why you drank alcohol before our appointment, right?” 

Jiyong bit the insides of his cheeks, nose and cheeks faintly pink from blushing, but he nodded.

“From the way I see it you have been suffering from these illnesses for a long time now and self medicated yourself with alcohol and drugs, which is something a lot of people do, by the way, so no use in feeling guilty about that. — I am going to prescribe you mild antidepressants, as well as anxiolytic medications. Mild ones, because you will probably still drink alcohol and other substances so I am careful with what I am prescribing you when thinking about the side effects — obviously I am going to ask you to try to stay away from alcohol as far as possible, but I also know that battling with alcoholism is hard work and not something you can just  _ stop _ . — The antidepressants should help you feel more balanced generally, while the anxiolytics should help reduce the anxiety you are feeling.” She was scribbling something down again. — “It is gonna take two to three weeks for the medications to start to kick in so please, be patient with yourself. — I want you to read the instruction leaflet, too and yes I know most people do not do this, but it would be good for you to know the possible side effects so you will know when something is  _ extremely off _ . If you feel bad for whatever reason or have the feeling that your medication pulls you down instead of making things better, please do not hesitate to call me. — Alright?”

She handed him another piece of paper. The prescription medication. Huh, it felt weird, looking down on the names. It was slowly setting in that he would be taking medication — he was used to pills, but those were different. They only made him feel good for a couple of hours, but these could help him feel better in the long run. 

“Alright.” 

“How about we set up another appointment right away so I can check up on how you are doing and how the meds are working — three weeks okay to you?”

He felt as if he moved on autopilot when he pulled out his phone to check his schedule. “Yeah, I am free in three weeks.”

“Perfect. Then see you then, Jiyong.” — another kind smile.

  
“See you then.” He awkwardly smiled back at her, bowing slightly before he left the room and closed the door behind him. — It felt as if a thousand bricks were falling off his shoulders, he hadn’t even realized how tensed he had been until this second, but now he felt better, lighter almost. Maybe making this appointment really was a good idea after all — he looked down on the prescription sheet. His fingers were shaking slightly and his knees felt wobbly. 

No, this was not a “ _ maybe _ ”. This  _ would  _ help him. It definitely would. He put aside the small piece of paper and walked out of the practice. It was time to pick up the meds and to call those people from the group therapy sessions. 

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


He came home with a small bag of new meds and an appointment for the therapy group. Jiyong knew that if he wouldn’t do it immediately he wouldn't do it at all, which was why he had simply sat down in the park where no people had been around and called — just to be over and done with it. And it hadn’t been that bad, not really. The person on the phone didn’t ask any intrusive questions, but simply informed him about the when and where and about the basic rules these meetings followed. For example, if you are going for the first time you do not have to talk about your issue, if you don’t feel like it you don’t have to talk at all. It is okay if you need time to slowly glide into this whole group therapy session thing, the only really important thing was to respect the others, and yourself. To not laugh at them or ridicule them, but to listen and to talk about the issue if needed. It sometimes helped to see things from a different perspective, how someone totally unrelated to the issue you were facing was thinking. They had also asked him what group he wanted to join and Jiyong had halted for a moment. 

He knew that he originally wanted to go because of his anxiety, but Nam had said that he wanted to cover up those issues with alcohol, so maybe he should go and see what they were like? — Jiyong was on meds for now anyways and while it would take a while for them to kick in they would surely help eventually, somehow. But alcoholism was something you didn’t get meds for, this was something you had to do on your own mostly. — It felt odd to think of himself as an alcoholic, because he wasn’t. Not really. He liked to drink, but to be honest, who didn’t enjoy drinking alcohol? There was nothing like a bottle of wine to end a long, stressful day, or to get completely hammered on the weekends after a long stressful work week, those were normal things, right? 

But then Doctor Nam had been so sure about the fact that Jiyong had a problem — did he really have a problem? He had reacted to the person on the phone without thinking too much, and said that he would wanna see what the group therapy for alcoholics was like, because it felt  _ right _ , so that should have already been an indicator for something being off. But he couldn't just shake that odd feeling off so he started to think back to his drinking routine, while simultaneously googling “ _ Symptoms of Alcoholism _ ” and clicked on the first link he found. — There even was a list:

_ A lack of interest in previously normal activities _ . 

— Jiyong bit his tongue, because this was something that  _ had _ happened, but he had always thought about it in a different way, that he was simply  _ too busy _ to think about singing, or to occasionally rap like he had done when he was a teenager. Or to paint. Or design his own clothes. Or literally anything else that did not involve his work, or drinking. 

He skipped to the next bullet point. 

_ Needing to drink more to achieve the same effect of drunkenness. _

— He snorted, wasn’t that normal? The older you got the more you tolerated and were able to hold your drinks? That surely must be normal — it must be. 

He didn’t ponder too much on it and skipped to the next one.

_ An inability to say no to alcohol _ .

— In his line of work it would be rude to say no to a designer to go out for drinks after a show or a shooting. That was at least what he told himself, but he knew that that was not the case for him. Plenty of modells drank a lot. But there were also a lot of models who did not drink at all. Most models only sipped on a glass of wine for the evening — meanwhile Jiyong usually downed the first bottle within the first twenty minutes. 

_ Shit _ . 

Next one.

_ Anxiety, depression, or other mental health problems.  _

— Okay. 

Maybe he  _ did _ have a problem. Because those were only the top bullet points and the list went on and on and so far every single one of those things had been something he was doing or going through. 

Jiyong pulled out his phone and looked at his schedule, trying to remember the last time he drank and how much he had drunk, while taking a piece of paper and writing down  _ what _ and how much he had drunk within the last or so week. 

Today — two shots of scotch. 

Yesterday — Before the shooting two glasses of mimosa to lift his spirit and once he had been home afterwards he had drunk a bottle of red wine, as well as another glass of mimosa to help him sleep a bit better. 

Two days ago — He had spent all day in bed, fearing the photoshooting and sipping a bottle of Jack every now and then and — He had no memory of how much he had actually to drink that day. 

Three days ago — It had been the day he had met up with those two models again and they had met up in their hotel suite to celebrate a little bit and have fun again and — there had been alcohol again, but Jiyong had been more interested in sleeping with them as the alcohol itself, so that was a plus, right? He hadn’t had that much that day, two glasses of vodka orange and that was it. 

Four days ago — He had spent the day at a studio, shooting various outfits for the upcoming summer collection and while there  _ had  _ been a lot of champaign, he hadn’t had anything of that, because he remembered how awfully hot it had been that day in the stuffy studio and for once he had decided to drink his own bodyweight in water instead of alcohol. — He had only drank a glass of red wine before bed. 

Five days ago — Jiyong had been out with his sister, eating dinner and a good wine was part of a good dinner, right? That shouldn’t be much of a problem — or?

He finished the list of drinks he had had within the last two weeks and then he wasn’t so sure anymore. This kinda  _ looked _ like a problem, because he  _ had _ been drinking a lot since the stupid High School reunion party — even  _ he  _ admited that. But things had been so stressful lately there had not been another way out. Alcohol  _ relaxed _ him and helped him feel less lonely. But seeing the list made his stomach twist and turn and brought tears to his eyes.

“I’m an alcoholic.” 

The words felt foreign on his tongue and at the same time they fit so perfectly well it made him sick to the stomach. How did he not see that at all? Had he really been living like this for years now? — He could hear one of his cats making a ruckus in the back and he looked up; his eyes scanned the living room and kitchen area and that felt like another slap in the face. There were a few wine bottles on the counter, and half empty glasses of various alcoholic beverages on the coffee table and the dinning table, too. As well as empty bottles every now and then. It was as if a veil had lifted and he saw his flat for the first time as it really was. 

A total mess. Home of an alcoholic. 

He bit his tongue. Fuck no — he didn’t wanne live like this. Suddenly it made so much sense that Dami was out and about, always staying at hotels after long meetings or staying over with friends. Tears were now falling from his face as he walked up into the kitchen and took out a trash bag and started to throw the empty bottles into it, as well as the bottles that were nearly empty, too. It took him about twenty minutes to get rid of all the stuff laying around the apartment, but once that was finally out of the way he felt relieved. Especially because he had also cleaned out all the overfilled ashtrays and generally collected all the used tissues that had been laying around, all the empty water bottles under his bed and other plastic wrappers that had been laying around. — He also opened all of the windows to let the apartment air out a bit. It felt good to be productive like that — even though he hated cleaning, but seeing his place cleaned up like this after months and months of not doing anything, it was  _ nice _ . 

When he was finally done he let himself plop down on the couch with a sigh — Iye and Joah were almost immediately by his side, curling up against him and puring. He touched their soft fur, scratched the back of their heads and showed their gratitude with loud purrs. His thoughts were drifting off so much that he didn’t realize that Dami was coming home. He only realized someone else had entered the apartment when he heard her small gasp, coming from the other side of the room, followed by Iye getting off his lap to greet his sister. 

“Jiyong — you have cleaned the apartment?”

He didn’t know whether to feel angry at the surprise in her voice, or actually happy by the look she was giving him. For some reason she looked really happy and disbelieving. He shrugged, still cuddling with the black munchkin cat on his lap. 

Jiyong could feel how Dami was walking through the rest of the flat and the rooms, stopping in every single one just to  _ see _ how much he had cleaned the place and she came back with an impressed smile on her lips. “I have to say,  _ well done _ . Dare I ask what made you clean the whole place?”

A short exhale escaped his lips, before he averted his gaze and petted the empty spot next to him on the couch, signaling her to sit down next to him. A lot has happened to him today. Well, it wasn’t much per se, but it had been a lot when it came to how he saw his own life and how badly all of this bullshit had been affecting him. 

“Choi and I had the shooting yesterday, right?” He could see her nod out of the corner of his eyes. “Well, I had a panic attack and freaked out really bad and Choi advised me to seek out help. He even gave me a number and address to call, but instead of going there I had called our old psychiatrist — Doctor Nam, and scheduled an appointment for today and it had been very  _ insightful _ to say the least.” Jiyong waited a moment, to see if Dami wanted to say anything, but she simply sat there, patiently waiting for him to finish what he had to say. 

“Well, turns out I have a bipolar and anxiety disorder it seems. — She also hinted that I have a problem with alcohol, which is why she recommended a type of group therapy or something and I accepted. Their next meeting is this week on Wednesday and I will be going — there are also other groups that focus on anxiety and stuff, but since she prescripted me something against anxiety and also some antidepressants I thought it would be a good idea to maybe tackle the other problem at hand, which is the fact that—” 

For some reason he had no problem saying that he had a bi-polar disorder or anxiety disorder to his sister, but alcoholism? It made him anxious to admit this, because this was something he brought upon  _ himself _ . Something  _ he  _ had caused. Mental illnesses were nothing like that — they happened, but alcoholism? — He could feel how his cheeks started to get red and there was a tight knot in his throat.

“—that I am an alcoholic and I need to work on myself to get better.”

Jiyong took in a shaky breath and exhaled hard. His eyes were fixated on Joah who was still laying in his lap and his hands played with the soft fur. They were shaking. 

“Jiyong?”

He didn’t dare to look up, but then there was a warm hand reaching for his own and suddenly the world didn’t seem as scary as a few seconds ago — Jiyong finally lifted his gaze and looked up at his sister's face. —She was smiling. She was smiling so big and there were tears in his eyes and she was still smiling so much it was lighting up her whole face and then she was hugging him tightly. Dami was hugging him so tightly that Jiyong almost feared not being able to breath but then she let go of him and instead grabbed both his shoulders and continued to smile at him. 

“I am so  _ proud _ of you, Jiyong!” 

“What?” — The surprise must have been apparent on his face, because Dami started to crackle and the tears started to roll down her cheeks. How come Dami was  _ proud _ of him, if he was the biggest fuck up in the family? It didn’t make sense at all — was she clowning him?

“For the past years, I worried  _ so much _ about you — you were always out partying and being on top of the world, or locked yourself away in your room and drank so much and I just didn’t know how to help you, because whenever I tried to bring up this subject you just brushed it off and talked about something else and —” she tried to dry her tears but new ones followed soon “—now, now you  _ sit here _ and tell me you did all of this? That you are finally taking care of yourself how you should have for a long time now? — That is  _ so impressive _ and I am so  _ happy and proud _ that you made this step for yourself. Because you are amazing and I want you to feel good about yourself and about your life, because I know you don’t feel good about your life or yourself—”

“Wait a moment, I  _ am  _ amazing and—” a smile started to tug on his face as the feeling of being loved and cared for bloomed inside of him. While he had always known that his sister was his ride or die in so many situations, he hadn’t really had the feeling that she cared that much about him. More out of the duty as the bigger sister, than her caring for him as an individual, but the face she was making now and the emotions she showed right now proved him otherwise.

“You suck.” She playfully pushed his shoulders and brushed away the tears. The big smile was still there and she was still looking at him with so much  _ pride _ it nearly made his skin crawl, because he really wasn’t used to that. To people being proud of him openly and showing affection like that and  _ caring _ for him, and not just because of his money or whatever, but because  _ he  _ had something achieved for himself, something that could make a big difference to him personally wise in the feature.

Jiyong couldn’t help but snort as she pushed him another time and got off the couch to walk towards the kitchen. “—You know what, because I am an  _ amazing _ sister and I have to show you how proud I am; how about I cook something for us? I actually bought some groceries for once and I  _ know  _ how much you love my cooking, so how does that sound? You hungry?”

“Starving, actually.” The big grin on his sister’s face was now gracing his own. 

Someone was proud of him and wanted to celebrate this special moment in his life. 

It made his chest feel so full. 

The need to reach out for a drink was incredibly strong in him and he hated that, because he was used to celebrating something in his life with alcohol. He got up from the couch and helped Dami as best as he could with preparing their dinner, but she more cursed at him than told him what to do — he just was that terrible in the kitchen and she laughed at him when he tried to mince garlic and the poor thing got shot across the kitchen instead. 

Somehow they managed to make dinner that night and as much as he  _ loved  _ the food, there was still that pull inside of him that was demanding alcohol. It made his skin itch to just walk up to the fridge and get a whole bottle for himself and drink it in one go, or to drink a few glasses of scotch, and— 

Suddenly, Dami was standing next to him. There was a gentle smile on her face, but one that told him that she knew that he was thinking about drinking alcohol. 

“Have you thought about how you wanna approach this?” 

He bit his tongue. “Not really, I mean — cutting off alcohol completely would be the best treatment wouldn’t it be?” He really didn’t know shit about overcoming alcohol addictions. But Dami didn’t know anything about it either and she sighed. 

“When did you say the appointment with the group?” 

“This Wednesday, in two days.” He was still biting at his lip, nervously tugging at his own fingers. 

“Okay — since I am not a professional and I do not want to tell you to do anything, since I do not know the consequences, I think it would be okay to have a little bit? I mean, there are two approaches to this, right? Cutting it off completely or cutting back a little bit — at least those are the two options I can think of, so how about you try to cut back a bit for a start and then you will ask about it on Wednesday? To see what they think or if there is a professional around that could help you figure things out? Because I  _ know  _ there are side effects when you just cut off alcohol altogether and since you have a history of being a heavy drinker I think it would be safer to just cut back a little bit.” She was quite for a moment.” 

“The decision is up to you, though and whatever you choose please know that I won’t be disappointed, because I am already so proud of you acknowledging all of this and  _ wanting _ to get better, that already is worth  _ so much _ . 

Jiyong didn’t know he had needed to hear these words until the moment they left Dami’s lips and then he was crying again. Because with him telling Dami about wanting to change there was always the possibility of her expecting him to get better within a day and that just didn’t seem rational at all — especially with the bipolar disorder. He didn’t know much about it yet, and he would probably spend the better half of tomorrow reading about that disease to understand himself a bit better, but he knew that it was a life-long condition. 

So Dami understood that this was not something easy to go through. — He felt how his hands started to shake and how the craving for alcohol inside of him after this long day got worse and worse — and he caved. 

But not entirely. He wanted change. 

“I think cutting back would be a good start, but — please. Can you like, I don’t know, try to monitor me? So that if you feel like I had enough you tell me and we try to work through this?”

The warm and gentle smile was back. 

“Yes of course, baby brother.”

He couldn't help but smile as well. 

It felt good to have someone support you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be honest, I didn't think the conversation he'd be having with his psychiatrist would get this long, but it turned out to be half a chapter long lol and this went a little bit different than actually planned, too but I kinda like it
> 
> I didn't think I would make alcoholims such a big thing in this one but given the circumstances Jiyong is in in this story, I felt it would fit and it also made me able to connect a few future events with each other 
> 
> Hope this chapter doesnt seem boring to you guys 
> 
> See you all again next time !!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I successfully reached a new level of laziness bc I typed out this entire chapter on my phone before falling asleep lol of there are any typos or grammatical mistakes then I'm sorry lol hope you still enjoy this chapter!

The next two days were a struggle for several reasons. For one, there was another photo shooting Channel had planned for him. Thankfully it was only a single shooting, and not a couple shooting like the last one with Choi. — It was still draining and especially hard for him when his PAs were bringing him flutes of champagne, like they were used to by now, and he had to deny it. Because entirely denying it was incredibly hard and he felt incredibly guilty that he ended up drinking two glasses. But for his standard that's nothing at all, he usually had that for breakfast anyways, so he figured it was another step in the right direction. Still, there was this biting guilt inside of him that's getting worse especially because he felt pleasure when drinking alcohol. He now  _ knew _ that he had a problem, shouldn't that make him not enjoy drinking itself anymore? Apparently not. 

Jiyong did start his medication as well and sadly, there wasn't much of a difference to how he had felt the day before, but the doctor had said it could take two or three weeks for the body to adjust so he waited. It felt like that's all he was doing. Waiting. — waiting for the next photo shoot, waiting for the next appointment with his doctor, waiting for the meds to kick in, waiting for the meet up with the therapy group. It was making his skin crawl and it felt as if something inside of him was boiling, but there wasn’t much he could do about it, so he tried to do what he normally did during the day — minus the drinking, obviously. Or as well as he could manage. 

For another, it was making him uncomfortable that he didn’t know what was awaiting him and what this rehabilitation program or therapy his doctor had mentioned would look like. 

Now that he knew that he was fucked in the head, he really wanted to work things out. 

Wednesday finally rolled around and his nerves were up the roof. At least he had used the time between the  _ now  _ and Wednesday wisely and had told his manager, Dara, about the whole thing as well. She was the one in charge of his schedule anyways so letting her know was vital and to his surprise she reacted the same way Dami had reacted. — He had expected her to throw a fit and make a scene for having to reschedule everything for him and all that stuff, but no. She congratulated him. Told him that she was wishing him all the best and that if he needed something that he should call her any time of the day — which  _ technically _ was her job, but she said it with so much sincerity, that it made him feel a bit emotional.

Before entering the house, he tried to play it cool, smoked a cigarette in front of the house before going inside to calm his nerves, but once he was inside the cool and collected facade crumbled and anxiety kicked in. The hallway felt stuffed and crowded as if he had no space to walk at all, even if there were only two other people in here — either talking on the phone or reading something they were holding. Jiyong didn’t know and didn’t care right now, because, frankly, he was losing his mind right now. He tried to not listen to all the  _ What if _ s in his head right now, but they were so tempting.  _ So _ incredibly tempting, because they knew his insecurities, and his fears, his paranoia and weaknesses. 

Jiyong swallowed hard. Throat dry. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to think about what Choi had told him when he felt anxious and all the other methods he had found when he looked up  _ anxiety disorder  _ and how the hell he was supposed to deal with that bullshit. He had also looked up bipolar symptoms and for some reason, that one scared him more, so he didn't really continue looking it up. Accepting that he was affected by the illness itself was pretty heavy for him already. He'd need a bit of an adjustment period to fully come to terms with that one so tackling anxiety came first. And alcoholism. Maybe he should also check in with the anxiety group some day. This whole thing was still confusing to him. 

—his fingers started to shake and to get numb, another sign of an oncoming panic attack so he had to act quick. Jiyong let his slender fingers slide into the pockets of his coat, trying to find something to distract him with, but the only thing he found was a thick piece of paper. He couldn't remember what he had put in his pockets at all — fishing it out, he quickly recognized it. 

It was the card Choi had given him with the address on — he hadn't completely forgotten about that, but his mind had been preoccupied with other things and since his psychiatrist had suggested him to go to the specific group she had mentioned he hadn't thought twice about it and simply accepted. 

He took a closer look at the card and the address that was printed on the small piece of paper he was holding. It was the same address — Jiyong couldn't help but snort. What were the odds? They lived in a city with millions of other people and Choi had suggested the same therapy group he had ended up at without knowing? The world was truly small sometimes. 

Jiyong didn't know why but for some reason it made him feel calmer. Choi had been so good at helping him calm down, him suggesting this place must mean it was a good start, right? That he could trust these people to help him and not laugh at him and his  _ problems _ . — it did give him hope. 

The door to his left suddenly opened and an elderly, kind looking man with big, thick glasses and a crumpled button down shirt looked at him. — "Mr. Kwon?" 

"Yes?" 

The man nodded kindly. "Please, come in for a moment. The group therapy will start in about an hour and I'd like to have a bit of a chat with you first, if that's okay with you. I'm Doctor Park Chanwoo, and we usually are on a first name basis here, but if that's too uncomfortable for you we can stick to last names." 

There was this feeling inside Jiyong's chest again and he didn't know if he liked it. It wasn't bad  _ per se _ , definitely not painful or something, but it did feel uncomfortable.  _ Different _ . But he accepted. 

"You can call me Jiyong."

"Well then Jiyong, please come inside." 

* * *

In the end, they talked throughout that whole hour. Nam had given him a copy of his files so the doctor here could have a quick look at it so he knew how serious, or  _ not  _ serious, his drinking problem was. — and while he thought he still had pretty good control of it and that it  _ definitely  _ could be worse, Chanwoo still advised him to cut off alcohol completely. 

A cold shudder ran down his back when he heard those words — no alcohol, for the rest of his life? Could you believe that! Life without getting plastered every other day was  _ boring  _ and Jiyong  _ hated being sober  _ sometimes because the world was cruel and it was more fun to be completely drunk of his ass in the back of a limousine, having sex with some random actor, or model, and  _ not  _ think about how he was the disappointment of the family and cause of so many scandals for them, and his agency. 

But Jiyong had also acknowledged the fact that the life he had been living up until now wasn't the life he wanted to keep on living. It had made him sick, and fucked in the head. Pushing all those painful things away from him only made it okay for a while and alcohol and drugs only helped so much, too. At some point he'd have to kick his own ass and he  _ really _ hated the anger and anxiety bubbling up inside of him all the time that he had decided that he had reached the point of no return. 

He'd do this. Even if it would be painful. Even if the thought of never drinking anything again made him cry like a baby, which was fucking pathetic, but also showed him once more that he  _ did  _ have a problem. — He silently thanked Chanwoo for not judging him for crying, because crying in front of others was fucking  _ hard _ and Jiyong felt so incredibly stupid for crying about the fact that he was gonna cut off alcohol for good. But it did. Chanwoo siltenly held up tissue after tissue as Jiyong cried and it felt liberating in a way. He knew he looked like shit, but getting comforted and not judged by someone about how he felt in that moment was almost as if a veil had been lifted. 

Chanwoo also told him about the side effects of cutting off alcohol like that. Dizziness, feeling nauseous, fever, sweating, mood swings, sometimes even hallucinations and changes in blood pressure and it could also cause confusion. But Chanwoo said that the more serious symptoms usually only shown in patients that were facing a  _ severe addiction  _ and while Jiyong definitely had a problem, he at least didn't drink 24/7 and his life still had at least  _ some  _ other meaning than alcohol. — But Chanwoo also told him, that if any of the symptoms ever made him feel  _ too _ bad, or if he was unsure of how serious the side effects were, or  _ if  _ some of the more serious side effects like hallucinations, etc kicked in that he  _ should call him no matter what time it was.  _ Because heavy symptoms and side effects could cause serious harm to you and your body if you weren't careful enough. 

Chanwoo also checked his pulls and made a general quick examination — standard procedure if you're planning to go all cold turkey like that. It  _ was  _ going to be a toll on Jiyong's body after all and while alcohol itself was not good for your body, taking it away like that was only advised if you were bodily healthy — or as healthy as you can be. 

They talked some more and before Jiyong knew it the hour was over and the therapy session was about to start. Chanwoo pulled him aside for a moment, reminding him that this time around he wouldn't have to talk at all. This was just for him to see if he'd feel comfortable with this group, or if he'd prefer single therapy. — It made him feel less pressured. Normally, Jiyong didn't have to talk much about himself anyways, because the people around him  _ always  _ knew who he was already and there would be no explanation needed, but this was different. This was a side of him he had never talked about before and bearing himself like that was scary. 

The room itself was filled with instruments, posters, plants and various other things Jiyong had not expected. Just like back then in the office of Doctor Nam. He always had this image of white, stale rooms that smelled of hand sanitizers or something in his head when he thought about therapy of any kind, not this. 

It was cozy and the chairs rounded up in a circle looked comfortable. 

A moment passed where he just stood there anxiously, looking around the room — a few people were there already, and more and more were pouring in. 

There was a young girl, probably barely 18 and she was wearing a big hoodie and had short hair. She had big, brown eyes, and was pretty tall. Slim figure generally, but broad shoulders. She looked sweet. 

Then, there was another woman. She looked a lot like one of those sweet ladies at the market that would always buy some extra sweets to give it to the poor neighbor's kids so they would have something to feel excited about. But she had heavy bags under her eyes and generally seemed as if she had already faced a lot of things in her life. 

There were also a few men — two, Jiyong thought he recognized from before in the hallway. One of them had a big nose and shaggy hair, but his eyes were warm and he generally looked nice. The other one was almost the mirrored version of the man — tiny nose, neat short hair and a death glare graced his face. It made Jiyong almost snort. 

But something that made him think as he looked through the room was how extremely ordinary all these people looked. When you thought of what an alcoholic looked like you usually had this specific image in your head, and none of these people fit. — Right now they were a group of seven. Not too big, not too small. It was comforting. 

“Alright everyone — seems like our favourite boy is late as always so how about we begin to simply introduce ourselves a little bit; just name and maybe a hobby so our new member here isn’t just looking at strangers.” There was low muttering, and Jiyong had to think back to all the times they had to introduce themselves in school — some things never changed and he chuckled. “Since all of you are so  _ keen  _ on introducing yourselves, I will start and then we will just continue clockwise! Jiyong — you already know me. My name is Chanwoo and while I absolutely love my job as a doctor and helping people, one of my biggest hobbies is to carve wooden figurines. I think I started to make those when I was a little kid, my grandmother taught me how to do it and ever since it has been my way of relieving stress. In my time at the university when exams would stress me out I often ended up making thirty or fourty figurines! You can imagine how  _ happy _ my wife was back then.” 

The mood felt a lot lighter now — everyone was chuckling fondly at what the doc had just said and Jiyong couldn’t help, but smile, too. It was a funny idea, to think of the doctor who was sitting in front of him all in white, sitting at a small table sleep deprived, carving little figurines and his wife screaming at the mess he was making. It made him seem more real. 

At the beginning the other six patients didn’t seem to be too fond of telling little stories about themselves, but the more they talked the easier it was and by the time it was Jiyong’s term to talk a bit about himself, he was actively smiling and not scared to talk a bit about him. 

But what was there to talk about? 

He halted for a moment. What was something he enjoyed to do that didn’t have to do with drinking, partying or anything else related to substance abuse? 

Jiyong’s mind blanked and he broke into a cold sweat. 

He could feel all eyes in the room on himself, waiting patiently for him to start talking. Shit. 

  
“Well, uhm, my name is Kwon Jiyong and I am twenty-seven years old.” Off to a good start. His eyes flitted across the room, trying to find  _ something _ he could talk about. Something that was fun, something he used to do when he was in school maybe? — but nothing came to mind. His mouth was getting dry and his throat closed up in panic, and he—

“Sorry everyone! Had an emergency patient last minute and couldn’t make it in time and then there was so much traffic on the way over that I simply parked my car a few blocks down the road and sprinted here and then it started to rain and now I am  _ soaked _ and I—”

“Seunghyun, dear, sit your cute ass down before you hurt yourself or someone else by accident.” 

Jiyong was finally able to breath again. Just as he was about to lose his mind, Choi of all people crashed into the room — hair wet, red cheeks and out of breath and Jiyong was close to crying happy tears. It was so relieving to see the other man again and a welcomed distraction from the panic creeping inside his limbs. It helped him to snap out of it. 

“Hey, I am a doctor you know, I wouldn’t hurt anyone and—” Just as he was about to justify himself, Seunghyn had whirled around and his gaze had fallen upon Jiyong. His eyes widened slighlty and Jiyong began to panic, what if he had made the wrong choice after all? But then there was a small twidge at the edge of Seunghyun’s mouth stretching into a smile and the fear washed away. 

“Hey Kwon, good to see you.” 

“Likewise, Choi.” He couldn't help but smile a bit himself. “Now go sit down before you hurt yourself or someone else.” There was a round of  _ oooooohooo’ _ s in the room and for a millisecond Seunghyun huffed and puffed, but sat down immediately right in front of Jiyong. The older man jutted out his lower lip, pouting, and Jiyong had to hold in a snort. He surely was cute. 

“Well then—” Chanwoo had to hold back a chuckle himself. “Jiyong was about to tell us a little bit about himself, before you” he mentioned at Seunghyun with a grin “oh so rudely interrupted him. Seunghyun huffed again, but didn’t say anything. He was like a sulking child, but there was also entertainment sparkling in his eyes so Jiyong knew they were all good. Seunghyun seemed to be at ease with these people. 

But then everyone turned their eyes on him again and Jiyong’s mouth was dry and his head empty —  _ again _ . Shit — what the hell was he supposed to say? 

“He likes music and fashion a lot.” — Jiyong’s eyes snapped over to Seunghhyun. His panic must have radiated or something, because Choi was looking at him with a raised brow and he was smiling as if telling him that it was totally fine to talk about small stuff like that. 

“Oh is that so, Jiyong?”

“Well—” his cheeks suddenly turned a faint shade of red. 

“He was part of the school band, well, more or less. He was the one who dictated everyone and everything during school events.” Oh,  _ now _ Jiyong knew that Choi was messing with him. It was to rile him up and to get under his skin and it was  _ working.  _

“Oh you guys know each other?” — Chanwoo was now looking at Jiyong, but Jiyong couldn’t really shift his focus from Choi to him just yet.

“That’s true, we went to the same High School and yeah — I really enjoyed designing the stage and arranging the whole program, because our professors were  _ useless _ . Besides, half of them didn’t want to do anything anyways so it was a win win situation for everyone—”

“Expect for everyone who messed up once or twice, right Kwon?” 

There was that stupid smirk again, the type of smirk Jiyong wanted to erase with his fist. Or his mouth — he wasn’t entirely sure yet, because Choi was confusing. He was confusing Jiyong a lot and now he was sitting there smirking at him with that gleam in his eyes and for once Jiyong didn’t know what to say so he gulped and damnit he could feel his cheeks turning red. 

Something on his face must have given him away, because the smirk on Choi’s lips vanished and got replaced by a perplexed expression. Before he could say or do anything about it, Chanwoo stood up from his chair and started to talk about the topic of the day. It also meant that the introduction round was over.

The nervous edge underneath his skin didn’t leave him for the rest of the session. He also couldn’t help but glance at Choi every now and then or shift uncomfortably whenever he spoke up, or commented on something. Choi was a distraction and Jiyong felt a little bit bad for not listening as much to the doctor as he had planned on doing, but the nervousness buzzing inside of him just wouldn’t shut up.

Before he knew it the session was over and Jiyong finally breathed again. He had ended up learning a lot today, listened to how others were coping and how they handled situations when it got really bad for them. They also talked about how there were relapses from time to time, but that stuff like that  _ happened _ and that you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it, because an addiction was hard to fight after all. 

The others all chatted gleefully with each other while they stored aside the chairs they had used, talked about things they had planned for the weekend and if they wanted to meet up or not. It was kinda sweet to see how well they got along, but as sweet as it was it was also making Jiyong feel kinda trapped and panicked. As if they expected him to come along and for once in his life, Jiyong felt anything but ready to go out with people and just  _ do  _ something. So he quietly put his chair aside, said a small  _ maybe next time, thank you for your offer tho _ and sneaked out of the room. It only occurred to him then and there that Choi apparently had already left as well as the doctor — weird. Maybe they had something to talk about that Choi didn’t want to discuss with the group.

His thoughts were already running off to different things, like getting rid off all the remaining alcohol he had stored at home and saving Chanwoo’s number as an emergency number in his phone and telling Dami about everything the doc had told him today as well as show her the thick folder he had given along — who would have thought that rehab would also include so much paperwork? 

The warm autumn weather had shifted and dark clouds were approaching from the distance and Jiyong tightened the leather jacket he was wearing around himself just a bit. He should have worn something warmer — or at least let his chauffeur know when he would be done, but since he hadn’t been entirely sure how long he would stay here he hadn’t told him anything yet. Instead, he quickly wrote a message to Kim and waited to be picked up in front of the house. 

_ About ten minutes, Sir. There is a lot of traffic right now, my apologies.  _

Jiyong shrugged, ten minutes weren’t too bad. He would simply smoke a cigarette while he waited. Kim probably expected him to throw a fit, but honestly, he was in no rush. There were no more parties to attend, no more late night dinners with other world class models, nothing of that sort — at least for now. Today showed him  _ again _ how much he had lost himself during the last few years. Hell, Choi had to be the one to remind him that he liked fashion and music. It had not been something on his mind  _ at all _ and that was concerning. How could he forget about something that important to him? He  _ loved _ music. It had been years since he last properly sang a song, let alone composed one or written lyrics, but it had been such a huge thing for him while growing up — how could he forget about that? 

Something dark crept up inside of him — a memory he had long pushed aside. It had been years ago, back when he was still a kid, a teenager? He couldn’t have been older than maybe fifteen or sixteen. It had been during High School probably, because during that time he had been incredibly into music and the show business generally. Jiyong had been so proud of a piece he had composed and written all by himself and had wanted to perform it in front of his family after dinner someday. He had put extra effort into styling his hair that evening and Dami had been urging him to show their parents, because she had assured him  _ it is very good they will love it! _ — but things had not turned out that way. Instead, his father had rolled his eyes already at Jiyong proposing the idea of him playing a piece he had created on the piano and singing it — his mother had somewhat nodded encouragingly. Or, as encouragingly as she could. Instead of her husband, she ended up paying attention to him and listened. Dami was the only one who applauded after he was done. Their father just rolled his eyes and left the room, muttering something about not having time for that  _ queer nonesense _ and their mother had simply smiled for a moment, before she left the room to go back to her study. 

To put it shortly it had utterly  _ wrecked _ him. So much that it had sucked the joy out of everything related to music and that had been part of the reason why he had been such a pain in the ass whenever he planned a show in school or lectured other kids. Because he wanted the performances to be top notch, to be perfect, so that maybe his parents would be proud of him, but they never had been. They never went to any of his performances. 

“Kwon, are you okay?” 

He blinked once. Twice. Gasped for breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding and snapped back to reality. The air almost burned inside his lungs and Jiyong could feel the cigarette falling from his fingers onto the cold ground underneath his feet — the world was spinning, was that normal?

“—Jiyong? Can you hear me?” 

The fuzziness evaporated — partly. He still felt numb and as if something was sitting on his chest, but he was slowly regaining some sense in his body. He turned his head to the side and looked right into the concerned face of Choi. Since when had he been standing next to him? He blinked again and could feel tears running down his cheeks. — He took a shuddering breath, but a miserable sob escaped him instead and before he knew it he was crying — gut deep sobs escaping him and the next thing he felt was being pulled away from the open street and back inside the building where it was warm and no passerbys would stare at him and then there were strong arms holding him up and guiding him somewhere. Jiyong didn’t know where that somewhere was exactly but then Choi was making him sit down and Jiyong didn’t let go of the strong hand that was holding him, instead he was reaching for that hand again, holding it tightly in his own hand and didn’t let go. 

No. He  _ needed  _ to hold onto that warm hand, it helped him feel grounded. At least a little bit. It helped him hold onto something warm, something real and steady that was holding him down, while his thoughts went flying around, making his head spin and making him feel dizzy with anxiety. Pure fear was more fitting. Unapologetic, extreme, gut wrenching, fear. The tears on his cheeks wouldn't stop falling and even though the rest of his body seemed normal, his thoughts were spinning. He was staring blankly right ahead as he felt the waves of panic eating away at him. 

But then there was a gentle and warm hand caressing the side of his face carefully and he snapped back for a moment. His eyes landed on Choi's face. He had the same expression on his face as last time when they had found themselves in this position. There was something in his gaze that helped him calm down a little bit. That helped him bear the anxiety crushing down on him. 

It took him a moment to realize that Choi was speaking to him. More like at him, because his brain was still in bits and pieces. 

"—do you remember the field trip back in middle school? The one where everyone was teamed up and had to go on that treasure hunt and we got paired up and we ended up getting lost?" 

_ Wait, what?  _

"Middle School?" the anxiety was making it hard to think, hard to concentrate on anything else besides the sheer panic in his veins, but he still tried. "But—didn't we only meet in High School?" 

There was a nagging feeling at the back of his mind, making what he had just said feel alien to him. But they  _ had  _ only met in High School, right? Then why did it feel as if something was off? 

"I don't think you remember, there was a lot going on for you back then and I think it must have messed with you memory a lot, but yeah we went to Middle School together and we went on a field trip. We ended up getting lost and back then we actually got along well you know — you were always following me around."

Jiyong couldn't help but scoff — Choi was clearly messing with him! No way he would have acted like that back  _ then _ . He was only slowly realizing how much of a massive prick he had been in High School  _ now _ there was no way they had met, let alone got along, before that. 

Choi suddenly started to chuckle and it was like music in Jiyong's ears. "Alright, alright. We will leave that story for another time. Don't want to mentally scare you while you're having a panic attack anyways — then how about this! Tell me about your cats, what are they like and what do  _ they  _ like to do for fun, what annoys you the most? Come on, think!"

Now Jiyong was baffled. Had Choi been teasing? Obviously. Confusing someone and making them think hard and concentrate on one specific topic intensively could help stifling a panic attack in some cases and to a degree it had helped, because now Jiyong wrecked his brain if they had really gone on a field trip back in  _ Middle School _ . He shook his head — no. Choi was messing with him and knew it would confuse him so he could snap out of it a bit better. 

Cats. That was now the topic. "Uhm, well — Iye. The first cat I got was Iye and he is a little shit."

"You named your kid,  _ 'child' _ ? — That's adorable."

Jiyong felt his cheeks burn. He shoved at Choi's shoulder. This prick. "Yes, and he  _ is  _ my little baby! He's already seven, but honestly he still acts like a baby. One second he wants all my attention and then he attacks my leg for some reason. He always does that to wake me up in the morning, too and it drives me  _ nuts _ . He never does that to my sister, only to me!"

Choi was still looking at him, his warm hand in his own and he concentrated hard on the story he was telling about Iye, him taking a bath and the  _ utter  _ chaos that broke out and how he ended up running butt naked with a soaked Iye through the whole flat and right into his manager who had then proceeded to scream at him as Iye continued to utterly shred his arm to bits and pieces. 

Back then, the situation had been incredibly awkward and painful and Jiyong could still hear Dara's voice and  _ by God  _ she could yell. But now thinking back to it, it was kinda funny and hilarious and it helped so much when Choi suddenly burst into laughter. It felt good to make someone laugh in that situation and he could feel how the panic slowly ebbed. 

Talking about his cats generally seemed to help, because Joah, his second cat, actually really  _ was  _ a baby cat, but the complete opposite of Iye. Joah was sweet and cuddly and not as  _ cunty  _ as Iye. Choi laughed even more as Jiyong labeled his cat as cunty, but really. That was what Iye was like. Joah was a baby angel in disguise, but sadly not prone to mischief. Especially with Iye around. 

They talked and talked and Jiyong hadn't even realized how much time had passed when the front doors suddenly opened and his chauffeur entered the building, a little bit out of breath. "Terribly sorry Sir, the traffic was absolutely terrible. My apologies for letting you wait so long!" 

Oh right. He had been waiting to get picked up, how had he forgotten? 

"It's fine, don't worry." He managed an exhausted smile. A part of him was actually thankful for his chauffeur to arrive late otherwise he'd witnessed Jiyong's breakdown and that would have been more than just horrible. 

The chauffeur suddenly looked to the side and bowed slightly. "I'll be parking outside, Sir." —and with that left the building to go back to the car. It left Jiyong a bit confused. Again. — but then he felt Choi's warm hand and his eyes snapped down. 

They were still holding hands. That's probably why he had left, granting them some privacy and now Jiyong felt more than just embarrassed. He really had been that desperate to cling onto Choi? — Heat shot to his face and he carefully slipped his hand out of Choi's, clearing his throat a bit awkwardly, and then a second time for good measure and rolled his shoulder. 

All of his muscles felt stiff and tensed from the panic attack he had just gone through. The after effects were truly a pain — he felt drained, his eyes were puffy, his feet were still a bit numb and tingly and felt like rubber, but not in a good way. Definitely not a good way. — His throat was completely dry too. 

"Do you feel better now?" 

"Y-yes.", he croaked. His voice felt a bit odd from crying and it was still thick with emotion. He blinked the remaining tears away and took another deep breath. That had surely painted a wonderful picture for his chauffeur — teary eyed, clinging into the hand of Choi. Thankfully Park had never let anything slip to the press. Never, not even when he had done a few unspeakable things in the backseat of the limousine. He and his parents paid him way too well for him to risk his job like that. 

"Do you want me to bring you to your car? You seem still a bit shaken, is that okay?" 

Jiyong could only manage a nod. It was odd, why was Choi so sweet to him? First, he had tricked him, which had been totally fair, but then he had switched to being understanding and comforting. 

Did Choi like him after all? 

He didn't want to think about it right now anyways. Jiyong mentally shook his head, but gave another small nod for Choi to understand. — He chuckled, holding out a hand to help him stand up and then they were walking through the entrance, out of the building and Jiyong was extremely thankful for having Choi next to him, because the real world outside felt too harsh, and cruel right now, and Choi was comfort in tjaz situation. 

Park was already inside and Jiyong felt a bit like a damsel in distress as Choi helped him walk to the car and even opened the door for him. But he wasn't complaining

He just wanted to go home and get some sleep, he was exhausted. 

"See you next week then?" 

Jiyong gave Choi a weak smile. "Yeah, see you next week." 

The door closed and they were on their way home. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't have a fixed schedule for this it seems lol  
> but college started again and I started to study for my  
> driver's liscense too so I am busyyy  
> but here is the next chap of love and war !

"—and then I had to set up the whole contract again, can you imagine how much work that was? Tedious, I tell you! After decades of working this job you might think these morons actually know what they are doing and should be capable of doing these incredibly simple tasks, but no! I tell you, if you don't make anything by yourself, they get nothing done!"

Jiyong had long tuned out their father's voice and instead was staring at the ribeye steak in front of him, pushing the sides of the meal around on his table like a kid. This was terrible. He hated this. And by _this_ he meant the monthly meetings, aka _family dinners_ , their parents insisted on. When in reality there was no use for these meetings anyway. His father would always only talk about himself, complain about work, ask Dami if she already found a suitable and representable husband while she was working her ass off to basically do her father's job, and completely ignored Jiyong's whole existence. Their mother would often leave early, because of important business meetings she had to attend, or last minute arrangements that needed to be finished for the next fashion show, or complications with the upcoming issue. There was always something more important than them, _than family_. 

Dami always was the one who held the conversation alive, listening to their father, asking their mother how the new issue was coming along, typical stuff. Or at least Jiyong thought it was typical. He had no idea how a typical family dinner looked like after all. — He was always more than just glad to shift the attention from him to his sister, that way their parents would less likely harass him. Asking about what _exactly_ he was doing with his life, because even though their mother was the owner of a fashion magazine, _modeling_ apparently was not a prestigious occupation. — she wanted him to be more than a model. She probably wanted him to be _the_ fashion icon everyone strived to be. 

If not that, they would scold him for yet another scandal he had caused, about dirtying and bringing dishonor to the family name. — Jiyong preferred it, if they chose to ignore him. Like today. 

He was staring ahead blankly. No wine glass next to his dinner — their parent's butler, Jae, had looked at him with a confused manner that quickly slipped back into the professional mask he had perfected over the past few decades, when Jiyong denied the offered wine. If he wasn't mistaken, there even had been a hint of a smile on the butler's face. — normally Jiyong chose to get absolutely plastered at these events so it must have been a welcomed difference. 

Whatever it was, it didn't matter. What did matter though was that he was now one week and three days into going cold turkey on the alcohol and there had been a few side effects already, but so far he was doing good. Jiyong had checked in with Doctor Nam as well as Chanwoo whenever he felt as if something was _too_ off, but they assured him that the symptoms were within range. 

It didn't help that the medication he took for his anxiety as well as the bipolar disorder were slowly starting to work, which for the beginning meant messing with his emotions, hormones and libido. He had not only been pissed off as hell this week, but also horny as hell, and then the next second he had been sobbing his eyes out and shuddered in disgust when thinking about jacking off. Nam said that that was a possible side effect. Everyone reacted differently. And since the new medications were coupled with Jiyong stopping to drink the side effects could be worse, or completely different. 

But right now that wasn't the problem. For once. — Now he just felt like shit for sitting between his parents and not being able to tell them about the process he has made, because to them, it probably wasn't worth shit. 

"—iyong? Don't you want a glass of wine, too? I got this one _especially_ for you!" His mother's voice pulled him back from his thoughts and it felt like a punch in the gut. If he mentioned them that he'd stopped drinking, they'd expect him to never touch alcohol again and then when he would fuck up, which could happen to anyone, _they_ would not hold back to basically eat him alive. Jiyong already shuddered and cringed at that thought alone. 

"No, thank you, mother. I don't feel like drinking right now."

If he had hoped that they would simply shrug and move on, he'd been incredibly wrong. All eyes on the table snapped to him suddenly. Dami's were filled with pride that he turned down alcohol, but the look his parents were giving him was unreadable. 

"How come the alcoholic in our family turns down a drink? You pregnant or something?" his father's voice was mocking. "You already dress like a woman so who knows."

There was a tight smile on Jiyong's lips, trying not to break the facade and simply swallow the insult his father had just playfully thrown at his face. 

"I simply don't feel like drinking today — was out with friend's the day before anyways." 

"Huh, the great party boy is getting old, huh? Don't tell me you trying to get your shit together for once. Trying to not be the fuck up of the family anymore?" 

"Darling—!" 

"What, it's true! All he does is fuck these _faggot_ models running on coke and get piss drunk everyday. You can't tell me you are proud of _him_." 

Ah, there it was again. The passive aggressiveness of his father for Jiyong liking men and women, but he had grown used to it over the past ten years or so. But now there was this whole anxiety thing pressing down on him and he tried really hard not to burst out in tears right now. 

He blocked out his parents bickering, biting his tongue and waited for them to pick up another topic. This shit hurt. _Badly_ . Normally he was drunk of his ass and the words they threw at his head were fogged and far away, but hearing them while he was completely _sober_? This was exactly why he hated being sober. Reality hurt too much, it dug too deep, too close to home for him just to brush off, because deep down he still craved his parents approval. For them to be proud of him, for them to be happy of what he was doing with his life, but looking at his life from a sober perspective, he wasn't too sure if there was something to be proud of. He had achieved a lot modeling wise, but he probably got most of the jobs because he was his mother's son. 

It made his stomach twist — his parents were right he really was the fuck up of the family. 

His parents continued to bicker and Jiyong continued to push the food around on the table, trying to ignore his parents. The only thing holding himself together right now was the extreme fear of breaking down in front of his parents. He didn't want them to see him like that. He didn't want them to know that he was suffering. They would use it against him. He had to be strong and proud, like his father had told him. 

The rest of the evening was somewhat of a blur — their father continued to talk business with Dami, and their about the new collection of Dior and how they would integrate it into the next magazine or something. Their father had continued to gobble down the food, and then told Dami about the next meetings and that they would have to postpone them. — She simply answered with a tight smile. ' _No problem_ '. 

When they finally left their parents house and sat down in the backseat of the chauffeur's car, Jiyong was ready to chuck a bottle of red then and there. He was completely exhausted and just wanted to get piss drunk to blur out this whole evening. He didn't want to remember the disapproving looks his father had given him as he had walked into the dining room, didn't want to remember the cold stare his mother had given him after denying the precious wine he now craved more than anything. — He knew stopping to drink would be hard, but _this_? It was like something was crawling underneath his skin, making it seem too tight. As if there was something burning in the tip of his tongue, the need for alcohol or something more, to stop the burn. — He grit his teeth. 

"This was the last time we went to these family dinners." — These days he really must be stuck in his own head a lot, because Dami talking to him made him nearly jump out of his own skin. 

"Huh?" — _Where had that came from?_

Dami sighed, before looking over at her baby brother. "You have been trying so hard and are working so much on yourself. These meetings with father and mother are not good for you though, I could see how much it was hurting you, and you deserve more. You deserve respect and support, and we both know that they won't give it to us, _unless_ we meet their expectations of what a perfect child is supposed to do." She sighed heavily, as if there was a whole war going on inside of her, too. 

Jiyong swallowed hard as he took a closer look — his sister looked _exhausted_ . Had she been suffering from their parent's wrath too? She? Who was the perfect daughter all the time? Jiyong doubted it, or _had_ doubted it, because now it seemed as if he was seeing Dami for the first time in years. She looked tired. Mentally tired, and ready to throw the fucking towel. 

"While I can't cut all ties with father, because he is still my boss, he _has_ set up a meeting where he is going to transfer the company to me, making me the new CEO and all that. It's in three days from now on and then he'll finally retire. I'm trying to play the perfect daughter until then, but after that, I'll cut all ties. — I've talked to my team of lawyers and they made sure that the contract my father is letting me sign doesn't bind me on anything and that he has absolutely no rights when it comes to the company anymore. — but even if he tries something, I have already set up everything to start my own company. If he tries something, I'll make sure that our family business and all his corruption and _hard work_ will go down in flames and I'll start over."

Jiyong was speechless. Dami had always been the favorite, the princess of the family, the one who was _perfect_ and now she was going behind their father's back to finally be free of him? — this was insane, but it made Jiyong feel light. He was not the only one suffering, he was not the only one wanting to run away from their parents, he was not the only one who didn't want to see them anymore and _this_ was something big. _Huge_ , even. 

Up until that point Jiyong had believed that no matter how his parents treated him, that he would have to obey, to be a good son, to make them happy, but here was Dami. Ready to cut ties completely with them. Jiyong felt how his eyes widened. This was like a permission for him to cut all ties, too. His parents had conditioned them into thinking that _family_ was the most important thing, but to them family meant prestige, money and fame. 

"B-but, I mean —" Jiyong hated how weak his voice sounded and how it was breaking. "Can we, can we _do_ that? They are our parents, right? We _have_ to talk to them?" 

There was that sad smile again. "Just because they are the ones who put us in this world, doesn't mean we owe them anything. This family is toxic, dysfunctional and it is breaking us. You cannot tell me that you are happy. I am not. I haven't been happy since I was eight years old and our parents signed me up for violin, piano and French and English classes. I haven't been happy in so long that I almost forgot what it felt like, but then _you_ decided to straighten out your life and to start over and _that_ gave me strength. It made me realize that I am not a puppet my parents can use to their entertainment."

Jiyong needed several moments to progress what he had just heard. 

He had inspired someone. 

_He_ had inspired someone. 

He had _inspired_ someone. 

It was a feeling he had never felt before — Jiyong was touched, deeply even and so proud at the same time. But also a little bit embarrassed, because who was he to _inspire_ someone?

“I have realized that despite how things have been working out for us, that we can _still_ be whoever we decide and want to be — we are incredibly privileged so money won’t be an issue for us, but that doesn’t mean that we cannot or should not work on ourselves to become the best version of us, for ourselves mainly, and to find inner balance we never got because there has been this imbalance all of our lives. I think people can really change, but the fewest actually do or even try. But I think that now is a good time to start over. — at least I know it is for me and once the whole bureaucratic bullshit is done, I will work hard to make this firm my own, to finally stand up and change a few things, to actually produce something I can be proud of that is not built on lies and corruption — and I finally have to listen to my gut feeling that has been telling me for years to cut off a few people who simply don’t care about me and who will only use me for their benefit — and some of them are our parents.” 

“I don’t think it makes us bad people to walk away from an abusive or toxic relationship — if you would hear a story of someone dating someone and they would continuously scream, belittle and beat them, you would also help them and support them if they would tell you that they would wanna to break up and cut all ties, right? — This is the _exact_ same thing. Just because we happen to be related by blood doesn’t mean we cannot walk away from a toxic environment. I think we both have suffered enough and we deserve more. We deserve to have people around ourselves who actually give a fuck about us, who actually care, who will want to be around us not because of our status, but because of who we are. Who will care for us when we are sick and who we will take care of when they are sick. You don’t even know how long I have craved that — to find a husband that actually cares about me and then move into a big house so we can have kids and I _always_ see you in this picture, but _never_ our parents. I see you playing with my daughter and my son, buying them ridiculous toys because you are actually soft by heart and just want what is best for them, becauses we hadn’t had that when we were kids and you would shower them with so much love and be the best uncle in the whole wild world. — and you and my husband would get along so well and we would be our own little family and you would bring along a special person, too eventually. And I don’t care if it is a man or a woman, whoever makes you happy is the one for you and their gender doesn’t matter at all. — You will still be my little Ji, my baby brother.”

A shuddered gasp left Jiyong’s lips and he was openly crying. He had expected everything, but this. He had always thought that Dami would just care about business and that was it, but that she was thinking about a future like that where he was included, too and that there would be a family he could go to if he felt bad, that would openly try to support him? It was so foreign it almost hurt his heart — but it ached in such a fantastic way that he couldn't wait for that future to happen. To see himself with his niece and nephew, to bring along Choi and them celebrating birthdays together. To just be a _normal, happy_ family. With no screaming fits, no death threads, no blackmailing or guilt tripping and no violence.

“I— I would really love to see that happen, too.” 

* * *

  
  


Dami and Jiyong had ended up talking a bit more about everything that would happen when she would take over and become the CEO. It had probably been the first time ever that Jiyong had been included in anything to do with their father’s firm and he was once more really glad that he had chosen not to be part of that, becaused bureaucracy was _terrible_. Dami had even handed Jiyong a mock-up of the contract he would sign and he was surprised to see that his name was in the document, too. He had assumed that he would probably get kicked out of the will and would not be mentioned anywhere else — or well, he had not thought about it at all. But Dami had and she had made sure that he would not suffer any consequences. It was frightening but also amazing that Dami had literally thought so much about this, had covered every loophole she could find that their parents would not be able to blackmail them or to trip them into signing a contract that would tie them to them for the next decade. 

It felt good to be reassured that there were no legal bindings and that once everything was done, they would be free to do as they pleased with no expectations anymore. 

Though this whole thing was also stressing him out to the maximum and he was not able to sleep until the day of the contract. There were all of these scenarios in his head how their father would find a loophole to make them his personal slaves, to guilt trip them, to manipulate them, but Dami had played the perfect daughter for so long that their father just blindly signed the contract, trusting his daughter that he would still be the one calling the shots without having to work at all and earning most of the money when in reality he had been stripped of all of his authority within the firm.

Once Dami came home, with a big smile on her lips, Jiyong finally felt as if he was able to breath again and the first thing he did was to fall into bed and catch up the sleep he had lost during the past few days. — and to call his doctor, because everything was stressing him out and he just wanted to feel at peace for once and he needed to rant to someone about all of this who would just _listen_ to him for an hour or two without wanting to push their own problems at him and that was how he also started single therapy sessions with doctor Nam. 

— they started with two hours a week right away, saying that she would be able to better monitor his progress when it came to alcohol as well his adjusting to the meds and that if needed she would be able to handle and alter the dosage quickly. And it was so amazing to just _rant_ about everything and nothing. 

About his fucked up parents and how Dami had tricked their father more or less into a contract that finally helped them to get away from their parents — especially their father. Or how he finally was able to really enjoy fashion show’s again not for the sake of gossip but for the sake of fashion and art and how in hindsight he was actually glad that he and Choi had started this whole campaign against animal cruelty and how Choi had helped him with two panic attacks already and had continued to show support to him, even if he had been such a dick to him during High School and how Choi was actually really clever and sweet by heart.

He ended up talking a lot about Choi.

Jiyong hadn’t even realized that until Nam had pointed it out. 

“You sure do talk a lot about Choi,” was what she had said. “Is he a close friend of yours?”

“What? No.” A moment passed. “I don’t know.” Another moment. “It is weird, you know. Everything that has happened in the past. I used to be a real dick towards him in High School, but he always continued to be nice to me and I never knew why, because how could you be nice to someone who bullied you in Middle School?”

“—High School.”

“Pardon?” 

“You said you met him in High School, right?”

Jiyong worried at his lower lip. “Yeah, yeah I did. Sorry — just spaced, or whatever.”

Nam gave him a look he couldn't really read and then she nodded as if lost in thoughts and scribbled something down and tapped her pen against the clipboard. 

“Okay, how about another topic. Would you tell me a little bit about what it was like growing up? To what Middle School did you go?” 

Jiyong rolled his eyes. That was probably _the_ most cliché thing to ask about in therapy. To talk about where he grew up and to what school he had went to — 

“Oh, I went to Middle School in—,” but then he stopped and squinted his eyes to concentrate. Come on, this one was easy. He still remembered his Middle School. It had been a green building with big windows and — no, that wasn’t right. It had been blue. Yeah, definitely blue! And there had been these huge, old windows that would always make the most terrible noises when you tried to open them, really modern and— no. That wasn’t right, too. He bit his tongue. How the hell could he forget about what his stupid Middle School had looked like? Was he finally losing it? 

Jiyong sighed, angry and feeling a little bit unsettled. He had read a lot about depression and how a side effect of it was that your memory would be utter shit from time to time, but not to be able to remember anything from Middle School? — The more he tried to remember, the foggier the memories became and everything and nothing collided. It was as if all of his memories were trapped behind this thick, stone wall and it was blocking his way in completely. — How had he never noticed that? 

Well, he had never talked about Middle School days before, so maybe that had been why. 

“Jiyong?”

He sighed again. “I don’t know.”

Nam simply nodded, more notes on her clipboard. 

The familiar feeling of anxiety swelling up inside his chest resurfaced again — was there something else wrong with him? How come he could not remember anything? — Then there was that memory of the panic attack he had suffered a while ago, where Choi had tried to talk him out of the attack, mentioning something about Middle School. Had he really forgotten about it? Was that even possible? — His breathing got laboured and Nam finally looked up at him. 

“I think that you went through something traumatic — something that caused you to repress certain memories. In your case, Middle School. Maybe someone you loved passed away, maybe something else happened. It usually takes a lot of time to build up to the moment where you can knock down the wall you built up around yourself that hold back those memories, to really remember them, but that also comes with a lot of stress and can take a huge toll on your mind and body as well.” She waited a moment, seemingly noticing how uncomfortable Jiyong was getting in his seat. He was tugging at his fingers, trying to almost push away the faint numbness that was spreading through them. “I am telling you this, because I know how extremely frustrating and scary it can be not to know your own past. Not to know what happened, not to know if something terrible happened or if it ‘ _just_ ’ a side effect of your depression and bi-polar disorder not being treated for such a long time.” 

  
“Besides, right now we are working on making your present self feel better, to help you get through the worst of your depression and to stabilize you in terms of you suffering from withdrawal symptoms from the alcohol, so I think that it would be wise to wait for us to push at the past only once you are more stable, because if we dig too deep it could happen that you fall into a new low and hit rock bottom and it will feel as if all of your progress was a waste of time.” Nam carefully took off her glasses and placed it on the small table next to her. “But I also think that you are incredibly strong and you have been doing so well in terms of fighting your addiction, you have not caved once in those two months by now and you are on time for all of your appointments. You go to the weekly meetings and openly try to participate in therapy, which is also worth _so much_. — In the end it is up to. You decide what we discuss in our sessions, you decide on what we work on. The decision is all yours, Jiyong.”

He felt a shuddered breath that had been stuck at the back of his throat escape him. This was again something he was not really used to — to have full range over the things that were happening around him, that were happening _to him_. That he would be allowed to take a step back and look at himself to decide — was he ready to move further?

“What do you think, Doc? Do you think I am ready?” He couldn’t help but feel frightened at the thought — what if he pushed too hard and made everything worse? What if whatever he had buried was the cause for him to feel like shit all the time? What if he would continuously run away from whatever he was burying inside of him?

“When looking at you, from a professional point of view, I would say we should wait a little bit more. It was _only_ been two months. You are finally used to your meds, they are working _well_ , and you have not relapsed into old patterns, which is already _incredible_. You are doing so well, and now you also managed to finally part from your parents and can finally curate your own future the way you desire. — I think you deserve a break. Bask in the moment for a while of you doing your best, enjoy the moment. Try to concentrate on yourself a bit in regards to what you want to do with your job. Think about your old friends — you haven’t really talked to anyone in these past two months, have you? Think about how that made you feel, if you are relieved to not be close to them anymore, if you feel sad and if you miss them. Think about your own boundaries — maybe even write them down as a guideline for yourself to look at every once in a while as a reminder that you cannot let other people use you for fame and prestige. That you are more than just the person the media paints you as. How does all of that sound?”

“That sounds good, yes.” Jiyong felt a bit awkward, because that was all he could say right now. It was a lot to take in after all, but it all sounded like a good idea. He _was_ doing well, apparently. He was eating regularly, he was getting more hours of sleep than he had in years, he started to really look into the fashion shoots he would be booked for and if he even liked the designer or what they stood for and it made him feel so much better when standing in front of the lense. Before, he had taken every single job they had thrown at him. But now he had learned that a great deal of those shootings had made him feel terrible, and almost used. So he had gotten drunk as soon as the shooting was over to forget about it, but that was not how Jiyong was handling things anymore. He more and more picked shootings with unknown designers, young people that were trying to make it in this cruel world, who made an effort in using fair trade products and paid their employees and staff the way they were supposed to. — It was something Dara had looked at him weirdly at first, because he had _never_ cared about that before, but now he did. He also raised his staff’s celery. Well, his staff was his chauffeur and Dara. But they deserved it after all the years of scandals he had caused. — He had also made sure that his chauffeur was only his, and not his father’s or mother’s, because if he would have to be the whole family’s chauffeur he would not get any free time at all. So he paid him more than his family had paid him before and made sure to up his sick days, too. — Park had cried happy tears when he saw the new contract and Jiyong felt like a total shitbag for not doing anything about it sooner. But better late than never. — He hoped, at least. 

Speaking of his parent’s — so far they hadn’t contacted him at all, which he was grateful for. It also helped that he had switched phone number’s and had only given his new number to a handful of people. — His Doctor Nam, Chanwoo, Dara, Dami, Park — and Choi. Those were also the only contacts he had saved in his phone. He didn’t want to think about his old friend’s right now. Didn’t want to think about how they had just accepted that he had not contacted them at all for the past few weeks. — It stung, incredibly even, but Nam was right. Jiyong really had to work on his own boundaries and to step up for them when someone was treating him badly — he also started to pay more attention to other people’s boundaries. 

Those things probably were completely normal for everyone else, but those things were totally new to him. — So many new things to learn. It was like his whole life had been overshadowed with alcohol and smog that he hadn’t even seen how he had behaved before and how much pain he had caused others. 

Baby steps.

He was doing well. 

* * *

  
  
  


“Kwon, this better be an emergency — it is 11pm and tomorrow is my day off and I really wanted to _sleep_ for once.”

Okay, in hindsight, maybe this wasn’t the best idea he had ever had, but it was an idea he had and once that idea had manifested in his brain he just had to go through with it. — ‘It’ being calling Choi and asking him to hang out. The older man had not been able to make it to their last meeting duo to a last minute surgery he had to perform on an Axolotl. — It had taken longer than anticipated, but the little fella was doing well now which was good, but Jiyong had missed the older man. As chaotic and wild as his life had been in the past few weeks, this little crush he had developed on Choi was still there and the more time he had spent with the other man, the more he had accepted that him paying him back for the bet was justified and that Choi was actually a huge softie as well as goofball. Choi made him feel better — lighter in a way and it was probably selfish to want to spend more time with him because of that but Jiyong couldn’t help himself. 

Besides, there wasn’t really anyone else he could ask these days.

The only people he had been talking to were the close contacts on his phone and if you didn’t count the people he was related to, or the people who he worked with or who were working for him, Choi was the only one who he could call a friend — or something. 

He could tell that Choi was careful around him and who was he to blame? Jiyong remembered how he had treated him in High School, being cautious of him was only natural. But still — Jiyong wanted to make Seunghyun realize that he was better now— no that sounded selfish. He somehow wanted to mend the broken pieces between them and help Seunghyun, forget? No, not forget, but to heal from the things Jiyong had said and done to him in High School. He started to see how badly words and actions could affect you and he wanted Seunghyun to be able to move on from that, too. He deserved peace. 

Jiyong was far from hoping that something more could happen between them. Not after their past. But he wanted to have Seunghyun in his life somehow — if the older one was okay with that. — So far he had not voiced any disapproval, and he had always called back whenever he saw that Jiyong had called. Even now while he was complaining there was a faint smile on his lips and a playful scowl on his face. 

“Well, not an _emergency_ emergency, but I got way too much chicken and snacks for myself and I just can't let them go to waste, right? It would be a shame to throw them away.” — Seunghyun scoffed but sat down next to Jiyong. They were sitting on a small hill that had the perfect view over the city and Jiyong had brought along a big back and a blanket in case it got cold — there were also the mentioned snacks and the chicken, because something he had learned by now was that one of Seunghyun’s weak spot’s was food.

“You are totally right, that would be such a waste!” — Jiyong had to grin as he saw Choi digging into his food and for whatever reason he had to think back to what Dami had said the other day — about the future she wanted for them. How she wanted to have BBQ parties on the weekend with her husband, kids and with Jiyong and his partner there too and how he had automatically thought of Choi in that context. — He had been so baffled by the whole situation itself that he hadn’t even realized that he had thought about Choi in that moment, but it had only dawned on him later on. Plus the fact that even Nam was pointing out how he was talking a lot about Choi. — He really had it bad for the other man, hadn’t he?

Jiyong shook his head, trying to shake away his thoughts and reached for his portion of chicken — “So, tell me. How is the Axolotl doing? His name was Herb, right?”

Whatever. Those feelings were personal and his own and for the very first time he was okay with having these types of feelings without wanting to numb them with alcohol. For now, he would simply bask in them, like Nam had said. To enjoy the moment and to enjoy this slowly building friendship he had with Choi. — He was finally giving himself the time he had always needed and it felt good to have a friend like Choi. 

All of the other things ahead of him would have to wait for now. 

— _Enjoy the moment_ , was his new motto. 

**Author's Note:**

> ▶ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/motteme_wth/  
> ▶ Cosplay: https://www.instagram.com/motteme_costumes/  
> ▶ Art: https://www.instagram.com/motteme_draws/  
> ▶ Twitter: https://twitter.com/motteme_wth/  
> ▶ AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/users/motteme/


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